living in a virtual bubble

You know that huge bowl of ice cream which tests your ability to deny temptation?

I know that I have a choice whether to stick to a healthy eating plan, or to ignore the commitment I’ve made to myself, and eat that stinkin’ ice cream.

That’s the easy part of life.

The difficult, screwy part for me, is the confusion I create when I really want to participate in something, but I really don’t want to either.

Makes sense, doesn’t it?

It makes me cry.

It makes no sense.

Oh, I can create many excuses to avoid doing something, but not a one of them are the truth.

The truth is that I stand in my own way.

I move along with one leg out, just to make sure I trip myself up. Is it intentional? No.

Do I have control over it? Possibly.

But right now…this moment…I’m overwhelmed, and I fear the fear.

I’ll get over the fear.

I will still want to participate, but not want to either.

And someday, I will conquer that as well.

 

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About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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9 Responses to living in a virtual bubble

  1. I hear that, I’ve been battling fear and anxiety the last couple of days, which is crazy since I’m on vacation and should be happy, but just knowing I get in my own way doesn’t stop me from getting in my own way. Why humans so darn complicated?

  2. April, I don’t know if this helps or not (I hope it does) but what you describe seems pretty familiar to me. It is a struggle. Sometimes “more so” than other times. I just have to say, I admire your constant effort and determination to live your life fully!

    • April says:

      I’m having trouble with the desire to participate in the activities of my photography club. On the other hand, I just don’t feel it in me to go and shoot photos. It just frustrates me—if I really wanted to participate, I would. What I can’t understand is what is holding me back.

      • Are you feeling interest in something different? I’m struggling with letting go of things I have done for a very long time because I feel I “have” to keep “liking” it. Maybe I’m a little OCD…. But I have so many new interests I struggle with time.

  3. reocochran says:

    I can relate to this duplicity or duality of not really understanding which way we want to go. I am full on a morning person, have ‘big plans’ and ‘expectations’ of myself in the morning. But as the day goes by, the energy level saps and I don’t do all that I had planned, I ‘beat’ myself up over this. I think I will tell you (as I am unable to always tell myself): “Do the best you can, every day.” If you aren’t able to stick to a diet, my youngest daughter and my brother (both so much healthier on the inside than I am) tell me to ‘skip the donuts or cookies, go for the ice cream or flavored coffee.’ So, ice cream, apparently has less hydrogenated fat, so I will indulge with this and not feel guilty. Tomorrow is another day! Hope this cheers you up, April! I believe in your judgment and everyone has doubts. I feel that yours come out more seriously, due to your daily challenges. Please try to not worry. Hugs, Robin

    • April says:

      Thank you so much for your encouragement. I’m beginning to see that I’m taking “normal” reactions to various things and blowing them out of proportion. It is a new day!

  4. suzjones says:

    Hugs dear. I don’t know what else to say but that you’re not alone out there. 🙂

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