the negative to your positive

Ha! That hiatus lasted a long time didn’t it? Seriously, I’m dilly dallying, but eventually, I will have to get dressed.

I can imagine what it must be like for a person who lives with someone diagnosed with a mental illness—and continue to enjoy their living situation.  I can imagine it, because I can hardly stand living with myself.

All the questions asked…

-what happened this time?

-what’s wrong with you?

-why don’t you want to eat?

-did someone say something to you?

-did something happen?

-a little grumpy today?

All the many questions asked…

…..I ask myself.

I don’t know why my mind has relocated to the dark side. Is it a weakness, or just a part of me I’m still learning to manage? I question why I’m acting a certain way when I logically know it’s not the way I want to act. Why can’t I just be okay?

Fighting is tiring.

There are days…….

I fight to get out of bed, to do something productive, to care for myself, to like myself, to hide my feelings from others, to avoid isolating myself, and when I do—I beat myself up for doing it.

I fight to care, to hope, to feel, to avoid letting anyone down.

I fight to think, to hold back tears, to keep from screaming, to stuff down the anxiety which cancer brought into our lives, to stay grounded and not run.

Sometimes, those days turn into weeks, or months…and I fight to move through the muck.

I’m fighting, and it exhausts me.

 

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About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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16 Responses to the negative to your positive

  1. aviets says:

    I know it’s completely exhausting. I’m hoping that a giant ray of sunshine makes its way into your consciousness today. Wow, “consciousness” is very hard to spell. I had to try three times.

  2. Cathy Bohlae says:

    I worry about you my dear. No words that I can say will help but just know that I think of you often and care very much. I do hate grocery shopping also and it is put off until I HAVE to do it. Big hugs to you and yours today!!!!

    • April says:

      I’m really okay…I wrote this a while back. Had to tweak it a bunch. This life I live, have lived…is and up and down thing. Some good, some bad. At least I’m here.

  3. mewhoami says:

    No more fighting. It’s time to win! 🙂 Get up and enjoy these last few days of summer. They’re coming to an end and you’ll be glad you got out and enjoyed them. Take it from me…it’s supposed to snow here tonight. Ick.

  4. reocochran says:

    April, you use the best writing skills! I like the way you included all the questions that do cross many people’s minds. (Ones who deal with pain, diseases and other challenges. Life is tough!) I just hope by writing it all down on paper that it’s a release, at least a little bit! I know that my complaints are nothing, once I write them down. But I don’t have as much on my ‘plate,’ to deal with as you do. Hugs, Robin

    • April says:

      My complaints feel minimal to others as well. We all have things we have to maneuver around, and they are just as important as the next person’s.

  5. I’m glad for the exhaustion you’re feeling. Because you are fighting the good fight. Or working through things with such vim and vigor. Good for you. 🙂

  6. suzjones says:

    I know. I understand.
    I had a text conversation with my son yesterday and he said to me “I can’t fight today Mum. I’m tired. I give up”. And I understood him.
    Hugs my friend.

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