Ha! That hiatus lasted a long time didn’t it? Seriously, I’m dilly dallying, but eventually, I will have to get dressed.
I can imagine what it must be like for a person who lives with someone diagnosed with a mental illness—and continue to enjoy their living situation. I can imagine it, because I can hardly stand living with myself.
All the questions asked…
-what happened this time?
-what’s wrong with you?
-why don’t you want to eat?
-did someone say something to you?
-did something happen?
-a little grumpy today?
All the many questions asked…
…..I ask myself.
I don’t know why my mind has relocated to the dark side. Is it a weakness, or just a part of me I’m still learning to manage? I question why I’m acting a certain way when I logically know it’s not the way I want to act. Why can’t I just be okay?
Fighting is tiring.
There are days…….
I fight to get out of bed, to do something productive, to care for myself, to like myself, to hide my feelings from others, to avoid isolating myself, and when I do—I beat myself up for doing it.
I fight to care, to hope, to feel, to avoid letting anyone down.
I fight to think, to hold back tears, to keep from screaming, to stuff down the anxiety which cancer brought into our lives, to stay grounded and not run.
Sometimes, those days turn into weeks, or months…and I fight to move through the muck.
I’m fighting, and it exhausts me.