I’m moving through some changes, I’ll never be the same

Okay, I have to admit, I’m getting lazy with the titles to my blog posts. I know that I’m breaking the ‘rules’ if I want to direct traffic to my blog by using ho-hum titles, but I’m seriously here to release my thoughts. If someone wants to follow along, and they can glean anything from my ramblings, that makes me feel good. (This title came from lyrics of a song, by the band YES. The title of the song? You guessed it–Changes)

The last couple of weeks has been the Battle of the Change in my Head.

While I used to have to change things all the time in order to keep one step ahead of depression, it’s no longer possible. I have other people in my life–it isn’t just my life to screw up by constantly picking up and relocating on a whim.

I read somewhere that there are triggers that create depression. Other than the obvious losses or major life changes, I have had a hard time wrapping my head around this theory. If there are triggers, then I should be able to recognize them and talk my way through them. Sometimes, depression just happens to me, and I can’t pinpoint a reason.

For me, anxiety has blatant triggers, and I understand most of mine. If I don’t deal with them—eventually, it leads to depression.

So…as odd as it sounds, the fear of anxiety creates anxiety. It’s the fear of the fear, and I fear change.

But change happens continually. Today is different from yesterday.

Fortunately, my thoughts today, are completely different than yesterday’s.

Prior to motherhood, I had a routine. Actually, prior to marriage I had a routine. I usually did the same things on a set schedule. I never deviated. Add a human or four to the schedule and there was no longer a possibility of maintaining a set-in-stone schedule.

No doubt, someone will get sick at the last moment—sometimes an animal, sometimes a kid. The husband’s job schedule creates change at times. Oh, and there was always the change that was created at 9 pm the night before something was needed for school the next day.

It may be a change to another’s life, but somehow, it affects me and my acceptance of it.

We all know that change always happens—constantly.

If I were to be totally negative, I would say I can’t handle change. It seriously sends me whirling. It not only affects my thoughts, but I have a physical reaction as well. I feel sick.

BUT, one can’t avoid change. We can’t run from it, we can’t hide from it, we can’t ignore it, we can’t control it.

The need to control it, is what I fight against.

So…

This is what I’m asking myself. I’m going to place the following questions and reminders on sticky notes, and hang them everywhere…..

What is changing?

Can I do anything about it?

Do I need to do anything?

The reminders that will accompany the questions–

Not my circus, not my monkeys.

The only thing I can control during change, is how I accept it, and my reaction to the change.

Yep, I find the mind an amazing – um, I’m going to say tool – my thoughts have to maneuver through a maze of dead ends–which are defeating–but, when I find a solution to what holds me back, it’s simply beautiful.

Okay, I’m off to use my tool, and make those sticky notes. Bahahaha! I’m such a tool 😀

I hope you find some beauty, answers, or laughter today.

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About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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24 Responses to I’m moving through some changes, I’ll never be the same

  1. aviets says:

    You said something my husband has always said – thinking about the very likely possibility of having an anxiety or panic attack often brings one one. It’s a nasty cycle. Hoping for peace for you today. -Amy

  2. I’m glad you keep on looking for answers, new insights into yourself, it’s inspiring.

  3. If only we could side step change now and then, it woud be so peaceful. Although I know we can’t, delayed it seems even worse when it arrives, but it would be nice occassionally. Keep moving forward April, one step at a time (believe me I trip over my own feet if I try to take more ) 🙂

    • April says:

      I don’t know how many times I’ve wished for a week or a month that was boring–no changes. Changing the way I think about change is one I embrace. 😀

  4. Sometimes, April, simply allowing is the easiest thing to do. Let go and let God. Seriously, it works, at least in terms of wanting/needing to control outcomes. Have a great week! 🙂

  5. suzjones says:

    Bwahahaha you are a tool. rofl But you are such a wonderful tool. 🙂 🙂

  6. Tracy says:

    Your titles are perfect April! Always makes me want to read your posts!!!:-)

  7. mewhoami says:

    These are all excellent questions to ask yourself when faced with change. It reminds me of the serenity prayer I learned years ago in Alateen (‘Alanon’ for children of alcoholics) “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

  8. Gallivanta says:

    I like those sticky notes you are a-sticking. And I don’t understand how titles direct traffic. When I put an interesting title nothing happens. And, then, out of the blue, one of my blah titles involving custard, somehow, becomes my most read post. Go figure…..

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