Okay, I have to admit, I’m getting lazy with the titles to my blog posts. I know that I’m breaking the ‘rules’ if I want to direct traffic to my blog by using ho-hum titles, but I’m seriously here to release my thoughts. If someone wants to follow along, and they can glean anything from my ramblings, that makes me feel good. (This title came from lyrics of a song, by the band YES. The title of the song? You guessed it–Changes)
The last couple of weeks has been the Battle of the Change in my Head.
While I used to have to change things all the time in order to keep one step ahead of depression, it’s no longer possible. I have other people in my life–it isn’t just my life to screw up by constantly picking up and relocating on a whim.
I read somewhere that there are triggers that create depression. Other than the obvious losses or major life changes, I have had a hard time wrapping my head around this theory. If there are triggers, then I should be able to recognize them and talk my way through them. Sometimes, depression just happens to me, and I can’t pinpoint a reason.
For me, anxiety has blatant triggers, and I understand most of mine. If I don’t deal with them—eventually, it leads to depression.
So…as odd as it sounds, the fear of anxiety creates anxiety. It’s the fear of the fear, and I fear change.
But change happens continually. Today is different from yesterday.
Fortunately, my thoughts today, are completely different than yesterday’s.
Prior to motherhood, I had a routine. Actually, prior to marriage I had a routine. I usually did the same things on a set schedule. I never deviated. Add a human or four to the schedule and there was no longer a possibility of maintaining a set-in-stone schedule.
No doubt, someone will get sick at the last moment—sometimes an animal, sometimes a kid. The husband’s job schedule creates change at times. Oh, and there was always the change that was created at 9 pm the night before something was needed for school the next day.
It may be a change to another’s life, but somehow, it affects me and my acceptance of it.
We all know that change always happens—constantly.
If I were to be totally negative, I would say I can’t handle change. It seriously sends me whirling. It not only affects my thoughts, but I have a physical reaction as well. I feel sick.
BUT, one can’t avoid change. We can’t run from it, we can’t hide from it, we can’t ignore it, we can’t control it.
The need to control it, is what I fight against.
This is what I’m asking myself. I’m going to place the following questions and reminders on sticky notes, and hang them everywhere…..
What is changing?
Can I do anything about it?
Do I need to do anything?
The reminders that will accompany the questions–
Not my circus, not my monkeys.
The only thing I can control during change, is how I accept it, and my reaction to the change.
Yep, I find the mind an amazing – um, I’m going to say tool – my thoughts have to maneuver through a maze of dead ends–which are defeating–but, when I find a solution to what holds me back, it’s simply beautiful.
Okay, I’m off to use my tool, and make those sticky notes. Bahahaha! I’m such a tool 😀
I hope you find some beauty, answers, or laughter today.