No, Little Ms. Happy Pants Doesn’t Live Here

Okay, I think I have to reverse the direction of my blog.

When I write about my experience with depression, my hope is that I’m not making someone sad, but that I’m giving someone like me–hope. Maybe encouragement to seek help without shame, and to fight for themselves. I also hoped that by writing about depression, the non-depressed might understand the disease. I wanted to share with others that life can go on in spite of the disease. However, I can’t do it it anymore. I have no words to explain what it Β feels Β like–or the lack of feeling which accompanies depression.

I’m not as open as I would like to think. Unless I wore a sign around my neck, the average person on the street would never guess I have cancer and it’s in remission, and that I have been diagnosed with Bipolar II and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I have circles of friends who don’t know.

I don’t carry that sign around my neck, and it isn’t my number one topic of choice if I’m shooting photos with a group of friends, or knitting dishcloths with another group…

…because I am not my defined by my depression. I am not defined by my cancer status.

Due to both of these diseases, I am who I am—along with other life experiences—good and bad.

I am.

April.

No definition required.

I will return to the original theme of my blog, because a lot of what I have been writing no longer has a purpose–if it ever did. My decision isn’t based on any comments or blogs I’ve read. I’m simply stuck on a hamster wheel dragging myself down, and regurgitating the same words. My intent has been lost.

I can find something beautiful on even the darkest of days. It’s what I believe, it’s what keeps me alive.

No…every day isn’t full of Little Ms Happy Pants, but she can find something in each day that makes it worth the fight.

Today, I discovered music to be a better choice than silence while performing a monotonous chore such as painting walls. In particular, Elton John–his early stuff.

I’m thankful that I’m physically feeling better than I did yesterday. My new “haz-mat” respirator is a wonderful addition to my lovely painting attire. I knew all the words to the songs, and I sang–Darth Vader style. The respirator appears to be helping control my asthma which is triggered by the fumes.

I hope you find something today to make you smile.

Advertisements

About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
Image | This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

15 Responses to No, Little Ms. Happy Pants Doesn’t Live Here

  1. Keep being authentic…and it’s awesome that you remain thankful even on “the darkest of days”. πŸ™‚

  2. Gallivanta says:

    Your haz-mat sounds amazing.

  3. meANXIETYme says:

    I knew all the words to the songs, and I sang–Darth Vader style.
    That made me smile. Thanks. πŸ™‚

  4. mewhoami says:

    It’s your blog and you should blog about whatever topic you want to. I don’t think any of us know just how much our words may help others or even touch them for a moment. I say be you. Discuss whatever you want, what you feel needs to be discussed. At the end of the day, you can be satisfied that you have accomplished ‘your part’ of the goal at hand – whatever goal that may be. Sometimes I feel that my writing is rather pointless too, but it sure feels good to write, regardless of what that day’s topic is.

    • April says:

      I’m kind of doing this to protect myself. The more I talk about the same topic over and over, I lose myself. I have much more on my mind, and it doesn’t center only on depression.

      By the way, I don’t ever think your writing is pointless. I enjoy it. πŸ™‚

  5. aviets says:

    I did find something to make me smile today – thinking of you painting and singing in a mask! Music makes any task better. πŸ™‚

  6. Music always helps me when I’m ‘working’. Or not working. Or bike riding. Or ….well, just about anything. πŸ™‚ And I’ll read your blog because I like what you write about. And what you write about is up to you. πŸ™‚

    • April says:

      πŸ˜€
      I have to work on my lessons of replacing the negative thoughts with positive ones. I also discovered an old monster rear its ugly head. One in which I always had to be right, no room for compromise. I mastered that beast a long time ago, and I need a change of focus.

Comments are closed.