Did You Forget Your Meds Today?

That wall.

That stinkin’ brick wall that everyone usually hits. Some climb over it, some find a way around it, some bust right through, and some sit against that wall expecting it to move on its own.

I’m falling into the latter category. I’m waiting.

For what?

I have been here before. Many times.

I’m at the point of my recovery from depression which I can only explain as, I’m up against a brick wall. I have to decide what I’m going to do about it.

This is usually the point I falsely believe the side effects of my medications are worse than being depressed. Or, I happen to know more than my doctor, and maybe I’ll just discontinue my medication regimen.

As I was trying to fight my feelings of being overwhelmed with the have-to-dos and the want-to-dos, I realized I wanted to wave the white flag. Give up. Simply let depression take over my mind again. After all, life is easier when I don’t care enough to fight for it.

I’m going to make up something here – I’m in an equilateral-psychological-triangle relationship. Kind of like a love triangle, but my triangle includes equal efforts of my therapist, psychologist, and me–minus the element of deceit–oh, or (whisper) sex. Without one of the equal angles and sides, it becomes an isosceles-psychological-triangle.

If my efforts aren’t equal, I will fall. Deep into the pit. Stagnating. Smelling. Giving up. Living the life of a couch lump–if I make it out of bed. Hoping I will disappear.

Yesterday, I came face to face with that wall. My hands are shaky due to a couple of the medications I’m on. If I stop, breathe deeply, and relax, I can minimize the shakiness.

I fell off a step stool–again. Dizziness is another side effect of one of my newest medications. I’m already predisposed to clumsiness, and this little pill is exacerbating my tendencies.

I sat against that wall.

My therapist didn’t give up on me.

My psychologist didn’t give up on me.

Why do I wish to give up?

It’s not in my best interest to allow my triangle to have only two equal angles and sides. I still have work to do.

Hard work.

My two doctors have given me an opportunity to see, feel, think.

So, I have decided to go through the wall. Nasty side effects and all.

I will do it.

One brick at a time.

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About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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12 Responses to Did You Forget Your Meds Today?

  1. Gallivanta says:

    Thumbs up, to you.

  2. aviets says:

    April, you are amazing. I was just reading back over some of the things Bernadette and I have written about treating depression. So many times we discuss the fact that the bottom line, make-or-break factor is the person him- or herself making the very deliberate and very difficult decision to fight. When everything in your being is telling you you’re not capable of fighting, that it would be easier to just give up. I’ve seen how hard that is. Just want you to know I’m pulling for you. -Amy

    • April says:

      Thanks Amy. I have given up too many times. Maybe I scared myself during this last episode, but I have fought hard to make it to this point, I don’t want to give up. This time is different because I recognized my part of the equation. Maybe it what the cognitive behavior therapy, or I have matured 🙂

  3. Gosh I relate to so much of this. It’s not fun. Feel better soon.

  4. APRIL YOU ARE SO VERY WORTH IT! I have no idea the amount of strength and courage you need but you seem so very willing to do it. Obviously you are not lazy about taking care of yourself. If there’s anything that I can say to help, I will say it. But if I screw it up and say the wrong thing, LET ME KNOW. Just so you know, I value you, and I have all kinds of hopes and curiosities about what is coming in your life. I’M LOOKING FORWARD to your life. 🙂

    • April says:

      I will continue to fight. I am so thankful for the tools I have been given, it’s up to me to use them.

      I have had a fear of slipping back into depression so much that thought created anxiety. I don’t have that fear any more because I know I will make it. I want others to know that it takes work–hard work, but it is possible to manage depression.

      Your words are always very inspiring Colleen. 😀

  5. I really like the triangle image. And I completely relate to the feeling of just wanting to hold up the white flag and say “That’s it. I’m done.” I admire your strength in continuing to push through that wall.

    • April says:

      I have been striving to feel better for soooo long. I thought that depression and anxiety would be my life. I had three choices, accept it for what it is and just deal with it, get to the bottom of my problem and get the proper help–even if it meant going through many doctors until I found the right one, and the last resort would have hurt too many of my loved ones.

      What I never recognized was the part I played in my recovery. It’s something I wish I had learned over 30 years ago.

  6. April, you are amazing. To know the pain and fear and keep pushing and trying day by day….. Maybe today is not the day, maybe a nap is in order….but once you put your feet on the floor, you have succeeded.

  7. reocochran says:

    Keep on going, so sorry that you have a rougher path, some trials in your health and glad that you have people who are supportive, both at home and in the professional/clinical world. We will believe in your inner strength, even if you sometimes worry that it is nearly impossible to keep on going! Smiles and hugs, Robin

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