That stinkin’ brick wall that everyone usually hits. Some climb over it, some find a way around it, some bust right through, and some sit against that wall expecting it to move on its own.
I’m falling into the latter category. I’m waiting.
I have been here before. Many times.
I’m at the point of my recovery from depression which I can only explain as, I’m up against a brick wall. I have to decide what I’m going to do about it.
This is usually the point I falsely believe the side effects of my medications are worse than being depressed. Or, I happen to know more than my doctor, and maybe I’ll just discontinue my medication regimen.
As I was trying to fight my feelings of being overwhelmed with the have-to-dos and the want-to-dos, I realized I wanted to wave the white flag. Give up. Simply let depression take over my mind again. After all, life is easier when I don’t care enough to fight for it.
I’m going to make up something here – I’m in an equilateral-psychological-triangle relationship. Kind of like a love triangle, but my triangle includes equal efforts of my therapist, psychologist, and me–minus the element of deceit–oh, or (whisper) sex. Without one of the equal angles and sides, it becomes an isosceles-psychological-triangle.
If my efforts aren’t equal, I will fall. Deep into the pit. Stagnating. Smelling. Giving up. Living the life of a couch lump–if I make it out of bed. Hoping I will disappear.
Yesterday, I came face to face with that wall. My hands are shaky due to a couple of the medications I’m on. If I stop, breathe deeply, and relax, I can minimize the shakiness.
I fell off a step stool–again. Dizziness is another side effect of one of my newest medications. I’m already predisposed to clumsiness, and this little pill is exacerbating my tendencies.
I sat against that wall.
My therapist didn’t give up on me.
My psychologist didn’t give up on me.
Why do I wish to give up?
It’s not in my best interest to allow my triangle to have only two equal angles and sides. I still have work to do.
My two doctors have given me an opportunity to see, feel, think.
So, I have decided to go through the wall. Nasty side effects and all.
I will do it.
One brick at a time.