Oh for Pete’s Sake–Who Am I Kidding?

My declaration was a stinkin’ fantasy. A complete farce.

I ended up with little bits of oil based primer in my hair, on my face, glasses, several door knobs, globs in the bathtub, splotches all the way up to my elbows, and a spilled bottle of mineral spirits in one of the litter pans.

I have been doing rather well organizing and completing my tasks, step-by-step, and not skipping to the end. Yesterday was not one of those days.

By noon my balloon of confidence was beginning to deflate.

I had talked myself out of going to the grocery store, and hunted down some concoction for dinner. A couple of occupants in our house are complaining I don’t have enough healthy food to eat. All they have to do is open the refrigerator. I think I saw fruit and vegetables that weren’t covered in mold, or aren’t mushy. I swear, I do believe they have the ability to do the shopping for themselves?

Maybe I like to place myself under time constraints? I must, because I do it to myself over and over.

I learned that I can’t rush a task. It takes time to achieve perfection. I’m wanting to get a room painted and the carpet shampooed before The Wee One moves back. It may be my only chance at that room until he moves back out. Who knows how long he will decide to be a squatter. He returns this weekend. (I know I could ask him to help, he did offer—but in my little pea brain of perfect expectations, it has to be according to my definition of perfection) I only had a year to complete this task, but it was best to wait until the last days before the boomerang effect took place.

I was not patient with myself so I sat down and ate the rest of my banana flavored ice cream, which did not taste like bananas.

I took the time to be. 😀

And there I sat.

The hound stopped yowling.

The cat puke is a daily given. Apparently, one of them found the little pieces of thread from a recycling project I’m working on, and had made into a ball to throw away–but, I couldn’t find it. Cats are great little recyclers—if you know what I mean.

However, I did not cry.

I smiled at myself and laughed over my clumsy shenanigans. Well, I got mad at myself first, then I laughed over how clumsy I am.

I didn’t have any rudeness to deal with, just stoopit. The kind of stupid that can only be described as stoopit. Luckily, it was through a phone conversation and a couple of eye rolls by me, went unnoticed. Another thing I learned…I hate repeating myself more than two times. However, I did it all with a smile in my voice. 🙂

So, all in all, some lessons were learned and stored for future reference. Items were scratched off my to-do list. Not as many as I wished for, but it dwindled nonetheless.

I fulfilled my desire to procrastinate because we do, in fact, have food in the cupboards.

The only people I had a smile for where my family, so I smiled at them. I also did the first-day-of-school-happy-dance because it brought back fond memories. I used to love the first day back to school for obvious reasons.

While I have lofty dreams prior to the coffee jolt, I know that each day is a new opportunity.

I didn’t sit around moping and berating myself because I have zero self regulation, I simply started yet another project using my crafting skills with my hands.

At the end of the day, I learned that it was best to stop my declaration of lofty dreams when I did. Usually, I push through and make many mistakes. This makes me angry at myself and provides more fodder for the self-hate process.

I’m not a pleasant person to be around when I do this. I turn into a huge hulk of a green monster, with a red face of anger toward myself.

Today’s a new day.

I will start over.


About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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15 Responses to Oh for Pete’s Sake–Who Am I Kidding?

  1. aviets says:

    Hooray for you. If we can’t be kind to ourselves, we’re in big trouble. Keep at it! 🙂 -Amy

    • April says:

      Actually, I’m finding the being kind to myself a bit easier. All I have to do is rationalize knitting as being nice to myself by giving myself a break. 😀

  2. The strategic placement of your two smiley faces is telling. Perfect spots to insert them. 🙂

  3. Happy new day! And I like lofty dreams. Why not make them? Exclaim them? Think of them? One day you’ll realize all along you were taking steps, even if baby steps, towards them. 😉

    I often find myself angry. And I make sure to tell Husband or anyone else. I’m just angry, not AT anyone. I just am. Giving myself permission to do that also gives me a way to let it go. It’s like we get angry, then get angry at getting angry, then beat ourselves up for getting angry….and the dance begins. When, if we get angry, and just let it BE anger for a moment….we are freeing up a lot of energy to not be angry any more. 🙂 It makes sense in MY head. !!!

  4. Elouise says:

    Love this: “It takes time to achieve perfection.” Absolutely!

    • April says:

      I wish I could be more like my husband with his “that’s good enough” attitude. But what can I say. It’s part of my personality, and I’m learning to go with it instead of fighting against it, as if it’s something bad.

  5. suzjones says:

    It sounds like you have got it all sorted. I think you made a huge achievement in the day. 🙂

  6. Gallivanta says:

    First day of school already? Where did your summer go?

    • April says:

      Around our area, they are out of school the end of May, go back first of August. The receive a week in September or October for “fall break”, they received a week at Thanksgiving, a couple of weeks at Christmas time, a week in April for spring break, and then off for summer in May. All those days off, they have to start early. I could never understand this. I volunteered and have quite a few friends who are teachers. A week off is hard on the teacher. When the kids return, they have to go through a settling process, and almost a couple of days of “review”. The kids like it though.

      • Gallivanta says:

        Yes, I can imagine that’s hard for the teachers. I guess we must have a lot of holidays, too, but just at different times of the year. Kids never think they have enough holidays!

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