People Change, What’s their Motivation?

Change. It’s something we can always expect. What we choose to do with it, or how to deal with change, is up to us.

Our kids grow and change right in front of our eyes. We watch every new achievement, and the pride they have in their accomplishments. Independence and allowing them to think for themselves were important to us. We wanted them to resist peer pressure, and make wise choices. We felt as if they grew up with confidence.

I always told them that the person they fall in love with, will be the person who brings out the best in them.

So far, all is good. The Wee One is a bit young to be contemplating marriage and kids because he is still in college, and jobless. Sensible Girlfriend is not quite as sensible as we originally thought. She talks about their future wedding and children. Um? They are only 20, and while I think they are mature, I don’t think The Wee One is part of this conversation. He sees it in his future. His long-term future. I know, because I asked. 😀

We have only met Little Missy’s boyfriend a couple of times. They have been together for years. I’m thinking 4 years? I know he brings the best out in her. She has grown to be a wonderful young woman. She is happy—truly happy.

The first born, The Dooper Doo, I don’t know, and I’m afraid. I don’t see the partner he has chosen bringing out any good in him. In fact, he is almost the opposite of what he was before meeting her.

We were hesitant, but ready when our kids took their first solo drive. We were happy for them when they went on their first date. We had such pride in their accomplishments in high school, and loved the choices they made for furthering their education. We helped them pack and move into their adult homes.

We were ready for these changes. (kind of)

I know I have written about this, but it is one of my daily challenges that really beats on my heart and mind, bringing me to the edge of that pit.

The Dooper Doo has changed. I have finally accepted that I have lost him to what I would call manipulation. We certainly feel manipulated by both of them, but that is our fault. Sometimes, I wish I weren’t so stinkin’ nice, or had a little more Tough Love under my belt.

Amish

ooo! I think I could do more to make this photo better. However, it’s kind of my point. See how the semi-truck is leaning left, while the Amish buggy is leaning right? That’s exactly what I am seeing and feeling at the moment.

If I were to compare and contrast, this photo explains it all for me.

Change is one of the things we can bank on in life. My hope is that change will come again, and I will get my son back. My first born. The one who is so much smarter than I, but thinks like I do. The one who struggles with mental illness, and is intertwined with a person suffering from mental illness—or is extreme manipulation? The latter is what appears to be happening from our viewpoint. Either way, not a great combination to bring the best out in each other.

Hey you! Change!

……………….I’m waiting.

 

 

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About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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21 Responses to People Change, What’s their Motivation?

  1. My brother dated and had a kid with a really awful, really selfish, extremely manipulative woman. When he told us they were engaged we all felt a sense of panic. Eventually she left and the relief was great with all of us that there would be no marriage but she continued to manipulate my brother up to and even after she contributed to the death of their child. As time goes on though, we’re starting to notice that he’s slowly beginning to stand up for himself and take steps to make healthy choices for himself for the first time since he started dating that bitch. It can be so frustrating to feel helpless when those you love are in unhealthy relationships but at some point they’ll realize they deserve better and we just need to be there for them when they do.

  2. aviets says:

    I think change in its many incarnations is one of the hardest things any of us ever deal with. How we live with that change (or don’t live with it) determines the quality of our lives going forward. I know change is hard for me, but I’m trying to be more accepting. Thanks for such a thought-provoking post. -Amy

  3. Your photo choice is apt and wonderfully telling.

    • April says:

      It was one of those shots taken through the front window of the truck. I was trying to capture the buggy. It wasn’t until I downloaded the photos and looked at that one. It certainly captured my thoughts that I have been struggling with.

  4. suzjones says:

    It’s scary how much we allow the people we ‘love’ to influence us at times. I’ve done it in my past and unfortunately I have seen it in my children and nieces and nephews etc. I had the same conversation with a friend the other day as she was telling me about the changes in her daughter now that she has broken up with her previous boyfriend and found someone better.
    I wish you luck. However it doesn’t matter how much we tell our children things, they have to learn for themselves.

  5. tric says:

    Maybe in time. Just hang in there.

  6. It’s so hard. Parenting. It never ends. I don’t know many who can just be “done” when their kids are old enough. I hope Dooper Doo sees, soon, what doesn’t make him better and decides to make changes. I understand this kind of hurt. I’m sorry April. The waiting is torturous sometimes.

    • April says:

      He would be rather unhappy that I pulled out his nickname we used when he was little. hee hee. However, he is a smart kid who has isolated himself with one toxic person.

      His car was a shambles, so my husband took it in to have it looked over, and have the needed repairs done. He is only a couple of months into his probationary period of his first job, and the commute is a killer. You know what? Not one thank you from him. No acknowledgement that we have helped him beyond what a lot of parents do for their kids. While he has made comments that “he could not have made it without us”, he continues to be manipulated by this young woman. The kind that threatens to harm herself should he ever leave him. The kind that totally turned her back on her family – all of them – so that she has nowhere to go but the streets. I have a big heart for strays, but I’m having a hard time feeling the love these days.

      • Oh April, I see this in my line of work ALL the time. I hope you can take steps to get away from her. Not because I think you can be ‘mean’ or uncaring. But because taking care of you has to be done by you. That kind of toxic isn’t contained. I’m so sorry you have to live with that, watch your son fall for that. I wish I had brilliant words to help.

  7. I am sorry that you are seeing your son changing so much. My hope is that he can change back. Sometimes women can be so cruel and manipulative. I fear for my little brother who is a naive sweetie.

    • April says:

      I think that is what happened to my son. He is a very caring person, and he was there for her to lean on. They have gone through various ups and downs, but she always threatens to harm herself if he hints at breaking it off. My opinion, he is trapped. I stay out of it. That’s why I have to write about it. Someday…

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