Where Do I Go Now?

Reaching the half-century mark, it’s easy to look back on all the decisions we made that took us in one direction or another.

Most of my adult life, to avoid depression, I had to constantly change things up. Do something new. I would move a lot. Apartment to apartment, state to state (between 2 states). A new pair of shoes always improved my mood–in fact, they still do. I’ve replaced my high heels with cowgirl boots, sandals, and tennis shoes. I couldn’t hide from depression—it was always lurking, waiting to strike me down.

That’s the frustrating part of depression. You can run all you want, deny you have a problem, but you won’t be able to manage depression if you don’t admit to yourself that you need help—and now is the time to address it.

Anyway, that’s a little straying from what I wanted to write about. It’s really about the paths we take. Post child birthing, I chose stability for the healthy growth of my kids. Looking back, I see where I struggled to keep myself together and managed to get out of bed to take care of them. I neglected myself. In my eyes, that was a poor role model, but my kids are great in spite of me—thanks to their dad, and my acting skills.

Some of us have to decide if major moves are right for us. With a partner, there are more people to consider while choosing a new move. It would be pretty selfish to pick up and do your own thing without considering how it affects your family.

There are choices to be made that are beyond our control. My life, especially my mental status, changed after my cancer diagnosis. However, I’m done worrying about it. I will deal with any changes if they happen. Until then, I will live life.

Then—there are the choices you want to make because it will make your partner extremely happy. It actually isn’t a choice, but an act of love—in my opinion.

When my husband and I discussed buying his siblings out from the house his father built, I have to say that I was a bit excited, but very wary. I would have to find a new Primary Torturer, a new Oncologist, Pulmonologist, Lady Parts Torturer—and heaven forbid I have to have another surgery on my lungs, a new Thoracic Surgeon. Not to mention the hunt for a new Veterinarian.

We aren’t considering a move across town, or across the States, just several states further north. This move will include many life style changes as well. I’m ready, just wary.

The long drive we took this week to work on the house and have various things taken care of, the ride reminded me of my dad. Maybe my dad enjoyed driving, but we crossed the US in 1975, and I have been in every state, except Alaska and the New England area. Long drives were not my favorite, but every time we went on a camping vacation, it was almost a guaranteed bet that we would be in the car for many, many hours.

The quietness and beauty of the spot my father in law’s house is situated, also made me think of my dad. He would have loved it there.

With my hesitations, the first thing I saw while entering the house last week, was a penny on the floor, in the middle of the barren house.

Dad.

While stripping out the contact paper in the kitchen cabinets, on the second shelf where my husband’s parents kept their dishes, I found a penny.

Dad.

As I stepped out onto the deck in my pjs to take some photos, I found a penny.

Dad.

No matter what choice we make, my dad will always be there with me. I believe he’s telling me that this place is a great choice for my husband and I. One thing I know for sure, my husband is happier in the town his father called home, than any place we have ever lived.

That is reason enough for me to embrace our decision.

For love.

 

 

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About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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19 Responses to Where Do I Go Now?

  1. meANXIETYme says:

    Lovely. I’m so happy for you that you have this opportunity. I hope the new life, when it arrives, brings you new happiness and much fulfillment.

    • April says:

      Probably will take more guts and determination, but I think I can be happy there. Since I don’t like to shop, that won’t be a problem, since I hate grocery shopping—at least the local grocer is small, UPS delivers to our new rural place, and the peace and quiet is wonderful. So are the neighbors!

  2. mewhoami says:

    Love is often shown in the choices that we make and this choice certainly shows yours to your husband. That’s a beautiful thing. Also, it’s neat that you found all the pennies. Sounds to me like this new place is father approved.

    • April says:

      It certainly has been a conflict in my mind that I’ve had to resolve–but, every change can be a bit intimidating. As long as he will still put up with me, I would do anything. 😉

  3. Tracy says:

    This is beautiful April and a sure sign…that’s where you and your husband belong!!! It’s exciting and adventurous too!:-)

  4. Wonderful April. Wish you all the best 😀

  5. suzjones says:

    How wonderful to receive signs from your father. That is just a treasure.

  6. Pennies from heaven, a good ‘sign’ indeed. But both of you being happy? The best sign of all. 🙂

  7. Gallivanta says:

    Nothing wrong with a bit of wariness. 🙂

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