Woogie Woogie Woo Woo

Get ready–

You may not want to read this post because it’s ugly—and very wordy. If you suffer from depression, this may not be a wise choice for you either. It’s a good example of how the world of depression and anxiety ebbs and flows. To anybody reading this who does not suffer from a mental illness—count your blessings.

Fair warning.

I’m going to freakin’ whine—April-style.

And, hopefully acknowledge what I do have to be grateful for.

I’m pre-coffee. I have to drink stale coffee of my favorite brand, it’s just not my favorite flavor. Why do I still have it?

Why do I keep 50 little plastic containers from Chinese take-out? I’m in the stages of pre-hoarding, and I’m afraid of throwing out one cent worth of anything.

Even though stale, I have coffee.

I wake up every morning with a pain in my armpit. Apparently, according to various Torturers, it’s due to nerve damage from surgery, Video Assisted Thoracoscopic Surgery – VATS, to remove the cancerous lung nodule. However, I continue to Google why my armpit hurts. It’s one of those things I do over and over, expecting a different answer. I was one of the “lucky” ones. Thankfully, I didn’t have to have a Thoracotomy. That’s one of those big words, along with rib spreader, they use in hospital dramas on television. I understand the recovery is extremely painful. While my recovery was painful, I suppose it could have been worse.

Just in case I may have some other odd thing about my body/health. I have read articles describing how to dig around the armpit to feel the lymph nodes. Apparently, I’m supposed to feel my ribs? Crap.

However, I woke up this morning, and I’m thankful for that.

I knew I was awake because I had the pain in my armpit.

One of the things I have had on my mind–obsessively–is that I have a friend suffering from a rare form of cancer. I think she said that there are like 3000 cases diagnosed in the U.S. each year. I’m sure y’all can Google the other types of cancer diagnosis statistics, but her cancer is rare. So guess what? There is very little funding to research treatments for it.

My friend was recently sprung from a month-long incarceration at her local hospital. Just one of her many, many trips to the hospital. She updates though the CaringBridge Network, but we have recently been receiving updates through her sister. Which means she’s fighting awful hard.

She is a “virtual” friend that I met through another friend. We have talked over the phone and over the computer, but I have yet to meet her in person. When she is healthy enough to have visitors, I would actually hop on a plane, or drive the 12 hours to a HUGE stinkin’ city to see her, and give her the hug I wish to give her. My life has been better with her enthusiasm, encouragement, and the example of how she chooses to live her life. I am blessed to know her.

While on the subject of fighting and pain, my sister–the only sibling I have left–reminded me of what she has gone through. Well, actually she was describing how much of a rock her husband has been—but they survived the 7.1 earthquake in the late 1980’s in San Francisco. A couple of hurricanes while my brother in law was stationed on the east coast. She has suffered from Multiple Sclerosis for over 30 years and lives in constant pain (my armpit pain is like a mosquito bite to her, I’m sure). She is also a cancer survivor. She has lost the same dad, grandparents, and siblings that I have. You know what? She always seems to have a happy-go-lucky attitude. I’m proud to be her sister, and I’m humbled.

I have to go to the stinkin’ grocery store. Mainly, I don’t want to, because tears are a-flowing this morning. It’s bad enough slogging through that dreadful store, but to do it in the mind frame I’m in, I need my babysitter. What a pitiful statement. At least I’m physically able to go there. While mental illness can be debilitating, I thought I had most of mine under control.

Another problem—I’m having is a ginormous feeling of being overwhelmed.

About everything.

My cat that was sick, is now better. However, he has developed a behavior problem which I have to perform serious stealth tactics to correct. At least he’s peeing in the bathtub, and not other places. He’s on anti-depressants because the veterinarian thinks he has a mental illness. Ha! The Crazy Cat Lady, who suffers from mental illness, has a crazy cat—with a mental illness.

I’m trying to find something good here….he is lovable, and I love, love, love him. However, he’s giving off some bad ju-ju, and it’s another subject I’m obsessing over. Instead of the peace I receive by snuggling with my cats, I’m annoyed by their constant neediness for attention.

A lot of my crazy-cat’s problem, has to do with the multiplying of other house cats, and that wild puppy that belongs to The Wee One. The puppy who will soon be causing havoc on a daily basis. I’m excited to have two of my kids back home, but why, oh why do they have to be animal lovers? At least I feel good about the part that their animals are rescue animals.

Oh, and the old dog that I love to humiliate, doesn’t seem to be doing well. She recently had her old lady tune up, but she pants a lot. I know it’s hot, but we have air conditioning. So…I’m stressing over whether or not to return to the veterinarian again. I feel as if I should just live in my car with all my animals–in the parking lot of the veterinarian’s office.

I was rather proud of the progress I’ve made in our home office. I had it almost down to a system of purging daily junk mail, and keeping myself from creating a huge mess. I was about to post a before and after photo until I realized, through many different rooms and closets, I have boxes and boxes of “important” papers. I suppose my theory of out of sight–out of mind, didn’t make the stuff disappear. Now the office is messy, but it’s contained in boxes for the most part.

I’m a stinkin’ ancestor of the squirrel family. Crap!

My nest area around the living room couch is a disaster. I will leave it at that.

I have now had my third cup of coffee, and there are still tears. Not of defeat. Just tears from who the hell knows.

I feel as if I’m letting my husband and sons down. My daughter is really busy with school right now, but I miss the heck out of her. I’m so happy to have some Face Time with her. I’m thankful for the technology, and my ability to figure it out, so that I can see her little face. She’s growing tomatoes though container gardening on her deck. She showed me her baby tomatoes.

The worst part of depression for me, is that I can’t show, or I withhold the love I feel for the people I love. I don’t hug, tell them I love them enough, pay attention to what they are saying. I deeply feel it, but for some reason, I can’t show it. That makes me feel the worst about myself, which continues the cyclic pattern of my depression. Not only does my behavior hold me captive by depression, it truly hurts my heart.

Every night before I go to sleep, I say to myself–tonight, I’m going to have the most wonderfully peaceful sleep—and I do—but it’s a medicated sleep.

Yesterday, I had such a battle with anxiety, I seriously thought I was having a heart attack. However, I’m more than familiar with the feeling, it was anxiety. However, I still fear the heart attack, all the same. Not only that, I don’t feel as if I can breathe. Now, that’s a scary feeling.

As I wake up each morning, I have been trying to tell myself something about it being a beautiful day……….

…….until I feel that pain in my armpit.

 

 

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About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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37 Responses to Woogie Woogie Woo Woo

  1. meANXIETYme says:

    I want you to know that I’m so extremely appreciative of you sharing this difficult post. ALL of it. But in particular, this:
    “The worst part of depression for me, is that I can’t show, or I withhold the love I feel for the people I love. I don’t hug, tell them I love them enough, pay attention to what they are saying. I deeply feel it, but for some reason, I can’t show it. That makes me feel the worst about myself, which continues the cyclic pattern of my depression. Not only does my behavior hold me captive by depression, it truly hurts my heart.
    I thought I was the only one. I try hard to overcome it, but I can’t always. And that hurts a lot.

    • April says:

      You aren’t alone, and it’s one rotten club to belong to. I have a feeling my behavior may be due to the way I feel, and think about myself.

  2. mewhoami says:

    Hugs! Deep breath… Maybe you can get out today and a have a ‘you day’. Take a walk, sit under a tree and read a book, do something you enjoy.

  3. aviets says:

    I’m glad you wrote all that out – I hope spewing helped just a little. It sometimes helps me.

    I think it’s freaking amazing how many animals you care for so very thoroughly. So much love there.

    Thinking of you –Amy

  4. Oh April I can follow you very far in your post. I’m happy to see, how much self insight you do have. Hope you will feel better soon 🙂

  5. bmagpub says:

    /hugs/ – and smiles :-). Sometimes we all just get overwhelmed. Hope your day gets a little better. Brett.

  6. I know I can’t “understand” and don’t want to minimize how you feel by giving platitudes that I do understand. So I want you to know that I read this all the way through. Feeling horrible for you for the depression and anxiety, appreciating your humor, and admiring your courage to get on here and write today.

    • April says:

      🙂 There are times I wonder if people see my humor among the bad feelings. Except for that deep depression, I can always find something to chuckle over. While I know that there are others who have the same issues, I understand how hard it is for those who don’t understand us. I wish I was one of them, but I’m going to keep fighting until I learn to live in spite of it. Thanks for reading, Colleen.

      • You’re welcome April. I really do appreciate your struggles and fight. And I can relate, at the very least, to the humor you have in your life even in the darkest or most difficult times. Humor is often, so very often, a life saver. 🙂

      • Cathy Bohlae says:

        You are so funny to me….but then I think I have the same “style” (for lack of a better word) of humor!!!!

        • April says:

          We’ll have to get together next time I make it out to your area. I wanted to this year, but we have been going back and forth to Missouri.

  7. Cathy Bohlae says:

    I would think that you would get these days every so often. You actually have been told you have something that will make you do that. I just do it…did that Saturday but teared up then got mad over it and then done with it. I know that is not how it goes for you but we all get there sometimes. And you have lots of reasons for this. I am so sorry for you friend with the rare cancer. That I do get…not cancer but just a tummy ache. I spent 6 months of incarceration (boy my doctors disliked that analogy) at age 15 with a disease that only 26 world wide had (that they knew of) and no kids (imagine the funding this gets??) ! Talk about your fun times. Again not comparing you and me or me and your friend but you are right that we all deal with something. I don’t have the kids (disease wouldn’t allow it) to depend on me so I don’t have those worries. I am so grateful for you to have the babysitter, Hubby, that you do. And you are having a bit of a bad time….roll with it and then roll out of it (I know easier said than done) But you can acknowledge bad days….can’t you? And your ear is better…..and you get to see more of your sons now…
    As always….love to read your blogs…makes me think about lots of things and for that I am grateful. Hope you have a great day this week…..hugs and love to you as always,
    Cathy

    • April says:

      Cathy, I seriously wanted to write a post about how bad I feel about my predicament, but others have it worse than I do. I need to work harder. I’m able to recognize anxiety and let it move through me, but I take a bad thought, and I make it into another bad thought, and on it goes. I will get it though, it’s just taking me longer than I want. Hugs to you!

      • Cathy Bohlae says:

        We don’t always get to choose what paces our bodies go thru to get there…..wherever there is!!!!

        • April says:

          You’re right. We may not choose what may happen to our bodies, but we can choose how we mentally deal with it….for the most part. 🙂

  8. suzjones says:

    Oh April. I know the feelings of those tears. I truly do. I have battled them for days but I have to wonder at the cause. Yes, life is not easy right now but not “I want to bawl my eyes out” tough.
    I’m wondering too if some of your issues may be hormones (as I believe mine are). I know I’ve written about menopausal stuff before but it becomes an issue when it stuffs up your mind and tear ducts.
    You can rant all you like. I don’t mind. Shoot me an email if you feel like it. At least it gets it out of your head when you write it out.
    What I did see in all of your writing though, was that spark of humour here and there. Don’t lose that my friend. Keep on looking for the funny stuff. It will help keep you sane. 😀

  9. Gallivanta says:

    Does “hell’s bells” seem like an appropriate comment? No idea what hell’s bells are but they sound like they are mean.

    • April says:

      Sounds about as good as woogie woogie woo woo, which I have no clue what it means. It’s what my 7th grade art teacher would say to one of is if we sniveled over this-or-that.

      • Gallivanta says:

        Oh my goodness, Teachers! Wonder if they could say that today?

        • April says:

          Probably not. I know why I’m not very artistic though. I can follow a pattern, but I’m extremely insecure about any art I create–including my photography. Stinkin’ teacher. However, I had a history teacher that helped me find a deep love and appreciation for history.

          • Gallivanta says:

            I applaud your history teacher. 🙂 As for that art teacher! Our church has a creative group which encourages people to ‘give it a go’. It is designed to counteract the effects of all those people who said, or implied, that we couldn’t draw or paint or weave etc. The group members do some fabulous work.

            • April says:

              I tried not to overdo it with my kids, but whatever they created was wonderful. All but one has a sense of confidence in their abilities. Not sure what I missed on that one–except he was the first, maybe my experiments didn’t work well for him. hahahahaha! 😀

      • Cathy Bohlae says:

        Was this Mrs. Staley?

        • April says:

          Yes! I couldn’t remember her name, but I knew it started with an S. Great memory, Cathy!

          • Cathy Bohlae says:

            I don’t think Mrs. Staley did me any favors either……Mr. Vesey in high school and Mr. Roseburg for pottery at Aylen helped get her out of my head somewhat……but still remember her name. Actually one of her projects came up in conversation yesterday….the ballon, paper mache mask that we made!!!

  10. I just had to add my comment to all of the others who have already said it – Thank you for sharing this. It helps to know that you (who are always so positive) have days that push all of your limits for what you can manage and balance emotionally. Keep hanging in there. 🙂

    • April says:

      Oh, thank you. I thought I wasn’t positive. I thought I was writing a bunch of my thorns in my behind more than the positive. Yes, I do have days of chaos and sadness.

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