Okay, So I Have a Few More Wizard of Oz Comparisons To Life

Coming out of an episode of clinical depression is comparable to when Dorothy opens the door to the land of Oz.

But, everything isn’t vivid color. I begin to see some color, and it is such a relief that I get a little giddy, but I’m filled with trepidation. Is it real? How long will it be real?

I notice some greens, then some blues, yellows, and so on–until it’s there–red! All vivid, and I have a sense that everything will be okay.

Gradually.

But, I revert back to the behavior of pretending. I don’t see the colors on some days. I think they’re behind me–but nope. I get smacked with that old obsessive thought monster. Thinking myself away from that monster takes a herculean effort some days–days on end–practicing mindful thinking with patience, instead of impatience.

How does one live with, and have patience with a person who struggles to get out of bed each day?

I feel as if I have to hide my behavior from my family. Hurting them, continues to deepen my sadness. Honestly, it makes me a rotten person to be around–I can’t even stand to be around myself.

Knowing how to stop the focus of what is bad, imperfect, or out of my control–that’s the trick.

I want—but I can’t get out of my own way.

Learning how to face my fears that prevent me from doing what I want, is a stinkin’ daily battle, and I’m growing rather tired of forcing myself to do anything–everything–something.

Some day, I will master living with loving mindfulness, especially for myself.

I simply wish I had more confidence.

Meh, I’ll go climb, and conquer another crap pile. I’m finding that my accomplishments to clear the physical chaos is starting to have some benefit.

 

 

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About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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17 Responses to Okay, So I Have a Few More Wizard of Oz Comparisons To Life

  1. aviets says:

    Since it’s such a challenge for you to tackle those piles of stuff, I’m really glad you’re getting some reward from it.

    I think one of the nastiest things about depression is the ugly cycle it creates, as you describe. It makes life harder for the loved ones in close proximity, which in turn makes the depressed person feel worse for making them feel bad, which makes everyone feel worse…on and on and on.

    The only word for it is SUCK!!!! -Amy

  2. mewhoami says:

    Getting out of our own way can certainly be a challenge. I think that many times we see our behavior much worse than others do, because not only do we see our outer selves but also our inward selves. Your family loves you for you and that it’s a beautiful thing.

  3. First of all, your choice of metaphor is amazing! Secondly, there is so much hope in it despite the struggle. My best hopes are with you as you journey out and find the color and beauty in the world.

    • April says:

      Thank you for the encouragement. I know that you have a struggle every day, and I am certainly encouraged by the positive message you always end with. I try to stay positive, and I will keep doing it!

  4. April this is fantastic! Being able to clear that chaos externally seems to be a great benefit for you. For it’s very own reward (clearing it out!) and for the way it helps emotionally. It all makes very clear sense to me. Even if I don’t have the technical words to connect them.

    And it’s wonderful how we love, because we love. Seems that’s what your family does. 😉

  5. suzjones says:

    Baby steps….

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