Rearrange Thoughts

First of all, I want to thank my fellow bloggers for your encouragement! I appreciate it so much, and it helps to know I have a few cheerleaders. 🙂

Obviously, I made it to the city and back. The only casualty was a traffic cone I accidentally ran over–not really my fault, but I could have taken a wider turn. :/

When I got in the car, I was feeling pretty sick to my stomach. I punched the address into the GPS, took a deep breath, and off I went.

Once I made it to the freeway, I was a bit more comfortable. I found the place, and found my way back home.

My kids would tell anybody that I hate driving. Actually, I used to enjoy driving, it gave me time to think.

Yesterday, I had 2 hours of thinking time. Well, most of the 2 hours, the rest of it I was trying to focus on the road, and the signs.

When I got home, I felt as if one of those 18-wheelers ran over me, and I was still sick to my stomach. Needless to say, I skipped dinner and snacked on some crackers.

Before I left, I sent a text to my husband for some support. This was his response:

You are a good driver and you can do this, trust me. You do amazing things all the time that seem scary to you.

Yes, all the many times I have been successful—is negated by one tiny fear.

That’s what we do. We forget about the 99 times everything went perfect, and focus on the 1 microscopic flaw, and pick it apart. Magnifying it so that it’s the only thing we can think of.

While driving, I thought of all the little exercises my therapist put me through. We would pick a subject that simply thinking about, caused fear in me. She asked me about my experiences with that subject, and if anything bad happened. My answer was always, I made it through the experience, and nothing bad happened.

As a lifetime sufferer of anxiety, I always found a way to cope. I have discussed my on again-off again experiences of taking antidepressants to control anxiety, but I knew I would have to find a way to conquer my fears without medication. It’s not like I can take a Xanax and get on the freeway.

The snowball.

I have to melt bits of it at a time.

I’ve had many discussions of simply having positive thoughts, and the thoughts will bring joy and happiness into your life, even if a person is depressed.

While I still don’t feel that a person can “think” their way out of depression, maybe it’s possible to “think” ourselves from returning to the dark side. When we feel our mood start to shift, change our focus to more positive thoughts, and don’t focus on what could happen.

Anxiety is based upon a thought, and focusing on a fear regarding a particular situation. It may be real, or imagined. If imagined, it’s real in our minds.

It doesn’t matter where the fear comes from, it’s the change of focus that needs to be rearranged.

I have one more successful trip to Atlanta on my list of survived experiences. THAT is where the focus should be–all the positive successes, and not the fear.

Logically, I know that.

I hate that I always have to challenge myself to step further and further to face my fears. I would really like to avoid the physical sickness that I feel before, during, and after the situation.

My thoughts always return me to the point where anxiety completely took control of my life. The cancer diagnosis. The thoughts of the cancer diagnosis.

Maybe it’s because I didn’t have kids to take care of, or a job to go to. Most of the day, I was alone with my thoughts, and I let them get out of control.

My success rate with CT scans isn’t so positive. Out of 5 scans, 2 have come back with abnormal findings. One led to surgery and the cancer diagnosis. The second one was this past March.

I have a little over a week for the second scan, and the wait for the results. I’m determined to rearrange my focus to the 3 good scans, and how I fought through the first bad scan—and made it. I’m strong enough to fight again.

Seriously, it seemed easier to fight the battle to get a doctor to biopsy, have the surgery, and recover from it, than it does to fight the anxiety.

Whether I have 50 more years, or 5, I will not live the rest of my life fearing. I miss out on way too many things because I want to avoid any type of discomfort.

That’s just not right.

p.s. My kitty came home! So far, all is good.



About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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22 Responses to Rearrange Thoughts

  1. meANXIETYme says:

    Congratulations on another success! Maybe write those successes on little pieces of paper and pile them up in a clear jar so you can visually SEE every success you have. Like little fortune cookie papers. 🙂
    (and yay for returning kitty!)

  2. Gallivanta says:

    Yay for you. And Yay for kitty. I did a 3 hour return trip today. Not through a spaghetti junction thank goodness but I was really pleased I managed it. I didn’t think I would.

  3. aviets says:

    You did it! I mean, obviously you managed the drive – but you got through it and came out all right on the other end. I hope today requires less emotional stamina! -Amy

    • April says:

      Couch potato for me today. The physical aspect that it does to the entire body are exhausting. No wonder I avoid everything.

  4. mewhoami says:

    Success! That’s wonderful. I love the text from your husband! That was so sweet of him to say. His love and support for you shines through those words. You’re doing a great job turning your mind around and focusing on different things. We lose so much of our life waiting, often on things that never happen. Also, it’s great to hear that your kitty is home!

    • April says:

      I need to learn that I can say the same things to myself and I believe it. Things sound different coming from another. I think I’ve wasted enough time, but at least I can feel I’m moving forward.

  5. suzjones says:

    What a wonderful text from your husband. We really do have some wonderful men in our lives don’t we? I’m so pleased you had a success today. That’s wonderful. Another one for your CV 🙂 Take care babe.

  6. You did it – again with success April 😀 And nice to hear that your kitty went back home. Our cats are experts at anti-stress and we can learn so much from them.

  7. Your husband’s text was amazing. You should print it and frame it. And read it every day. 🙂

    Your attitude and determination are amazing. Thank you for sharing YOUR positive energy. I can relate to the driving. I like driving. But not crazy driving where other drivers think the road/interstate is their personal raceway. But there is an adrenaline rush once I get where I’m going and happy about doing so!

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