First of all, I want to thank my fellow bloggers for your encouragement! I appreciate it so much, and it helps to know I have a few cheerleaders. 🙂
Obviously, I made it to the city and back. The only casualty was a traffic cone I accidentally ran over–not really my fault, but I could have taken a wider turn.
When I got in the car, I was feeling pretty sick to my stomach. I punched the address into the GPS, took a deep breath, and off I went.
Once I made it to the freeway, I was a bit more comfortable. I found the place, and found my way back home.
My kids would tell anybody that I hate driving. Actually, I used to enjoy driving, it gave me time to think.
Yesterday, I had 2 hours of thinking time. Well, most of the 2 hours, the rest of it I was trying to focus on the road, and the signs.
When I got home, I felt as if one of those 18-wheelers ran over me, and I was still sick to my stomach. Needless to say, I skipped dinner and snacked on some crackers.
Before I left, I sent a text to my husband for some support. This was his response:
You are a good driver and you can do this, trust me. You do amazing things all the time that seem scary to you.
Yes, all the many times I have been successful—is negated by one tiny fear.
That’s what we do. We forget about the 99 times everything went perfect, and focus on the 1 microscopic flaw, and pick it apart. Magnifying it so that it’s the only thing we can think of.
While driving, I thought of all the little exercises my therapist put me through. We would pick a subject that simply thinking about, caused fear in me. She asked me about my experiences with that subject, and if anything bad happened. My answer was always, I made it through the experience, and nothing bad happened.
As a lifetime sufferer of anxiety, I always found a way to cope. I have discussed my on again-off again experiences of taking antidepressants to control anxiety, but I knew I would have to find a way to conquer my fears without medication. It’s not like I can take a Xanax and get on the freeway.
I have to melt bits of it at a time.
I’ve had many discussions of simply having positive thoughts, and the thoughts will bring joy and happiness into your life, even if a person is depressed.
While I still don’t feel that a person can “think” their way out of depression, maybe it’s possible to “think” ourselves from returning to the dark side. When we feel our mood start to shift, change our focus to more positive thoughts, and don’t focus on what could happen.
Anxiety is based upon a thought, and focusing on a fear regarding a particular situation. It may be real, or imagined. If imagined, it’s real in our minds.
It doesn’t matter where the fear comes from, it’s the change of focus that needs to be rearranged.
I have one more successful trip to Atlanta on my list of survived experiences. THAT is where the focus should be–all the positive successes, and not the fear.
Logically, I know that.
I hate that I always have to challenge myself to step further and further to face my fears. I would really like to avoid the physical sickness that I feel before, during, and after the situation.
My thoughts always return me to the point where anxiety completely took control of my life. The cancer diagnosis. The thoughts of the cancer diagnosis.
Maybe it’s because I didn’t have kids to take care of, or a job to go to. Most of the day, I was alone with my thoughts, and I let them get out of control.
My success rate with CT scans isn’t so positive. Out of 5 scans, 2 have come back with abnormal findings. One led to surgery and the cancer diagnosis. The second one was this past March.
I have a little over a week for the second scan, and the wait for the results. I’m determined to rearrange my focus to the 3 good scans, and how I fought through the first bad scan—and made it. I’m strong enough to fight again.
Seriously, it seemed easier to fight the battle to get a doctor to biopsy, have the surgery, and recover from it, than it does to fight the anxiety.
Whether I have 50 more years, or 5, I will not live the rest of my life fearing. I miss out on way too many things because I want to avoid any type of discomfort.
That’s just not right.
p.s. My kitty came home! So far, all is good.