To Cry or not To Cry

When we moved across the States in 2006, it was a major change – duh. After living in the same area for an entire lifetime, moving to a foreign state was an adjustment. Add to that, three teens full of angst, but supportive of their dad’s career path.

We managed for a couple of years, and I tried everything I could do to help our kids transition to new schools.

In 2008, our family lost four family members in the span of 8 months. Both my mom’s parents, my dad, and my brother. Grief of this magnitude was rough, but I found a way to find something beautiful each day. A way to remind myself that there is so much around us that is worth living for.

Doing so, helped me through my grief, and brought me out of a depressive state, and I was beginning to learn to live again. Although I was having a rough time of letting the chicks leave the nest, it is a life cycle we must prepare for, because it’s normal. Tough, but normal.

Halfway through 2011, I was diagnosed with lung cancer. That little comfort zone I had created, and was learning to live again came crashing down upon me. Not only was I hit with depression, and self-hate, but an extreme, uncontrollable amount of anxiety.

I decided to take pictures of what I found beautiful, and blog about them for the times I wanted to give up. I had prior success with this mental task, I thought documenting it, and returning to my posts would remind me to live when things got rough.

In 2013, I lost my sister. It took the wind from me. I’ve had a lot to release from my thoughts, and I think it’s about time I look for the beauty of life again.6K2A1028

I found this clematis that was growing up the side of my father-in-laws porch beautiful. Not sure if we can replant it in another spot, but I want to save it. The home inspector recommend we remove it due to insect infestations, which was evident by the wood rot to the porch.

I wanted to wait until the golden hour to get the perfect shot. I think I was frustrating the hungry men waiting to go to dinner, but I wanted the shot.

Sometimes, I wonder why I switched from a point-and-shoot camera to one with many buttons to mess with. While I usually leave my camera on automatic white balance, I had been practicing some indoor shots and had my camera set to tungsten white balance.

Meh, this is what I came up with, and with my meager knowledge of post processing, it’s the best I could make it look.

I hope you find something beautiful today. I’m going to certainly continue to look, and turn my mood around. That’s not to say that I won’t continue to write about this-or-that–some of it sad, some silly–I’m simply going to attempt to refocus a little bit harder.

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About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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11 Responses to To Cry or not To Cry

  1. mewhoami says:

    I like the photo. It’s very pretty and has excellent detail. It’s okay to have a down day every now and then, but I do hope that today will turn around for you. There is so much beauty to smile about.

  2. And even in finding beauty and joy and gratitude, it’s okay to cry April. Sending you a very soft smile.

  3. Gallivanta says:

    Well, that is THE something beautiful for my day. It’s a gorgeous clematis. Do hope you can keep it.

  4. revgerry says:

    Great post. I have a daily practice in the morning to quiet the restless inner natives. On facebook I spend time looking at beautiful photographs other people have taken and beautiful quotes they often post to go with them. Then I pick a FEATURED CREATURE to share with my friends, a photo of some beautiful or unusual creature somewhere around the world. All this helps me center my day. I am so sorry for all the pain and grief you have had to deal with. Cyber-hugs to you and warm wishes for strength and comfort. I will keep your technique in mind, because it involves finding something beautiful HERE.

    • April says:

      I have strayed, and I found the exercise to be very helpful for me. I have been trying to calm my mind in the evening, with some success. I’ll keep working at it. Thank you so much for your encouragement.

  5. suzjones says:

    Keep looking for the beauty my friend. Looks as if you found it in the flower. πŸ™‚

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