There are so many well written blogs on WordPress, and I’m currently in a mind-state of feeling as if I’m an extreme rookie. At an educational level where syntax, and how to keep a reader’s interest are taught, and I’m not doing so well.
Usually, I don’t reach a point of insecurity with the content of my posts, because writing is therapeutic for me, and I have met many fellow bloggers that I wish were my neighbors. When I begin to tap on my keyboard, my feelings flow. Some of them silly, some a bit more serious. I try to steer from negative posts because I found that if I write negative content, I remain negative.
However, I know there are others who suffer with the same maladies I do, and it’s nice to know I’m not alone, and I find it important to let others know they aren’t alone.
Many don’t understand what happens to us, and that it’s uncontrollable. It requires a lot of determination and professional help to manage the challenges of mental illness.
Anxiety, with no self-esteem, and very little self confidence, are the major biggies for me. Although my last bout of depression was brought on by a bombardment of several major life changes and multiple family deaths in a short time frame, most of my depressive episodes are brought on by anxiety, and how I feel about myself.
A simple lesson—self esteem and self confidence aren’t the same thing. Self esteem is how worthy we feel, self confidence is how we feel about our abilities.
Upon reflection, I can see the progress I’ve made in conquering anxiety. I have almost mastered squashing the negativity which creates havoc in my mind, twisting reality into nonsense.
Imagine yourself in a situation which isn’t an every day activity, but not a frightening situation either. While trying to tame an unrealistic goal of perfection, your mind goes rogue, and next thing you know, your heart is racing, palms are sweaty, breathing becomes difficult, and your mind believes your body is going to die.
While I have a serious aversion to yard sales, I knew we were going to have one with my father-in-law’s extra stuff.
My husband and I have had two yard sales in our lives, and after each one, I swore I would never do it again. Yard sales screw with my logic, and antagonizes my anxiety level.
Although I have denied that I’m a perfectionist, as I logically know there is no such thing as perfection, I was forced to see a part of me I have been denying far too long.
And it sent me into a tailspin.
In the past, I spent weeks preparing for a two-day yard sale. I would shine up everything as if it were brand new. I never put out broken items, or items missing pieces. The used stuff looked like new, and was simply stuff we no longer needed.
I would spend time displaying items on covered tables making sure people didn’t have to dig through boxes of dirty crap.
I couldn’t perform my ritual of spiffing up everything before my father-in-law’s sale–I didn’t have time. I was stressed due to the heavy nicotine covering everything that came from his house, and my husband and brother-in-law dug things from every nook and cranny, placing them willy nilly on tables made of sawhorses and plywood.
Add to that, many people milling about, inside and outside of the home. Ack!
….and it shouldn’t have mattered—to a logically thinking person, void of anxiety and denied expectation of perfectionism.
Every little bit of progress I have made overcoming anxiety, and understanding my introverted personality, flew right out the window….and I have been berating myself ever since.
Why? Because I saw something in myself I haven’t acknowledged. When my therapist asked me if I believed that everything had to be perfect, I answered with an emphatic no before she barely finished asking the question.
The only expectation of perfection I acknowledged was that of being a perfect mom. I like things done a specific way, but I thought I had released the expectations of perfection with the birth of our second kid. Running around behind a couple of kids being kids, making sure everything looked like a magazine layout, exhausted me. My kids had to have the ability to be kids, and it was up to me to let that happen.
It’s great to learn new lessons, and I’m always willing to try new experiences. The current insight into my personality, has kicked me back a notch or two–but not steps this time. Hopefully, it will be the final key to acknowledging areas I have to be mindful of.
However, I will never have a yard sale again.