In a Land Called Fantasy

Well, here you have it.

The part of me who has out-of-character thoughts because—well, I like to fantasize. I apologize if y’all’er (I love that particular southernism) expecting a steamy fantasy post of an exotic man, or woman of your dreams. This will not be one of them.

No, I don’t fantasize about that kind of stuff. A fantasy to me, is having a month of someone planning all our meals, going to the grocery store, cooking, and cleaning up afterward.

I have fantasies of every yarn fiber, in all colors. Of cowgirl boots, sunny days void of biting insects, photographing a perfect moment in time, and Seattle Seahawks anything.

However, today I fantasize about living in the place Xanax takes me to.

The place of no inner shaking, shortness of breath, outer shaking which makes meal preparation with sharp knives a death defying act, body zaps, sweaty palms, chest pain, rapid heart beating, nausea, a place where conversation isn’t a major skill, and I’m not plotting ways to escape my mind.

I work hard to wait out anxiety. Hoping I can take enough deep breaths, focus on  – uh -anything else. Believing that I’m stronger than anxiety, and I’m not going to let it get the best of me.

Right up until the point I think I’m going to die. Xanax is my last resort….


…..and I like it.

It gives me the peace I’m striving to create for myself. To conquer the huge anxiety snowball I created by not seeking therapy many moons ago.

It’s not the drug I love, it’s where I’m transported. A place of normalcy.

….and I’m gradually moving toward wishing I could become a Xanax addict.

….but the thought of being an addict makes me anxious. The fear of what’s going on inside my body is the exact fear I’m trying to conquer—to be healthy physically, and mentally. Preferably without medications, but knowing I will most likely live out my life taking anti-depressants and/or mood stabilizers.

I will hoard the few calming pills allowed by my insurance company for the next episode that whips my butt, and hope that one day, all the coping techniques I’ve learned will conquer that ridiculous anxiety.

I have to conquer and persevere, because Patient Husband appears as if he is being depleted of his patience with me.



About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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14 Responses to In a Land Called Fantasy

  1. meANXIETYme says:

    There’s on other way to say it other than battling anxiety is HARD. You should feel okay about using ALL the tools you have at hand…and if Xanax is one of those tools right now, then use it. It doesn’t mean it’s the tool you will always need.
    Every tool in your toolbox is helpful at different times and in different ways.
    Be patient with YOURSELF.

    • April says:

      The odd thing….every time I reach for that bottle, I ask myself “do I really need this”. I have such a fear of becoming an addict, I probably suffer longer than necessary. I did, however have a doctor tell me at one point, that if I had a fear of becoming an addict, I probably wouldn’t.

      • meANXIETYme says:

        I understand. It’s really the reason I didn’t take anti-anxiety meds when they probably would have helped me. (And I agree with the doctor!) I was VERY fortunate in that most of my MAJOR episodes I had in the past were the result of adverse reactions to another medication (which I have stopped taking). I still have anxiety issues, but they don’t usually progress to attacks anymore. And the ones that do get close, I’ve been able to use other tools.
        I will admit, though, that I have a bottle of ativan hidden in my closet, just in case I ever really need them.

  2. mewhoami says:

    Years ago, I was put on Prozac. I liked the calmness it gave me, but it was a fake calmness. I wanted to be able to do that on my own without drugs. Thankfully, with a few life changes, I was able to get off the drug, having no need for it any longer. Are there still hard days? All the time! But, it’s nice not having to rely on a drug. They scare me, because I know people who are addicted to them and I’ve seen the terrible consequences. I’ve witnessed what those drugs have done to them, how it’s ruined them and how it’s torn their family apart. I’m partial on whether people should take them or not. I guess that’s where self-responsibility comes into play.

    • April says:

      I’m glad that you were able to find a way to live without an anti-depressant. Not everybody needs them. It is something I have fought with my doctors for 30 years. They put me on them, I would feel better, then I didn’t want to be on them because I could maintain on my own. Anyway, Prozac and other SSRI’s are not addicting and life/family destroying drugs. Xanax, if misused, becomes addicting. It is in a separate classification of drugs.

      I have found a life through the anti-depressants and the mood stabilizer I’m on. None of them are addicting or will they turn me into a person which will destroy my family. My depression and anxiety nearly did that. I have bad days now, but there is a HUGE difference between a bad day we soldier through, and the bad days that make up depression. They are not even close.

      I’m not sure how to take your comment about self-responsibility. Part of what I struggle with is how defeated I feel because I’m not as stubborn, or as strong as I thought I was. I hate having to take the Benzo (Xanax), as that type of drug is addicting. I’m fighting for my sanity, and anxiety has been a mountain for me to climb. I’ve almost made it, but there are times where I can’t breathe deep enough, focus on something else enough, think enough positive thoughts–to make it go away. Taking a small dose calms me, it doesn’t alter me—although I wouldn’t get behind the wheel after taking one. When I’m in a full-on bout of anxiety Xanax brings me to a normal. But I don’t want to take it. My post was about the desire to always be in that calm mental state. Not void of life’s difficulties, but a sense that I’m not going to die in the process.

      • mewhoami says:

        I hope that didn’t come off as if I was ‘attacking’ your choices. That is certainly not what I was doing. The self-responsibility statement was focused on the fact that if a person feels that they are susceptible to addiction that they may not want to take it. But if a person is responsible and trusts themselves, then by all means do what you must.

        My sister in law abuses the meds you mentioned. Every time we speak to her, she sounds drink and out of it. We’ve gone through many close calls with suicide with her (some on accident and other maybe on purpose) from overdosing. Her 4 children have come very close to being placed in our care. It’s been a terrible situation for them all. So,that’s where my concern originates from. That’s why I probably said more than I should have in that first comment. I hear from your writing what wonderful improvements you’ve made and although there is still more work to do, you’re on a great path.

        • April says:

          I didn’t feel attacked, I was curious, though. I remember the first time my doctor gave me Xanax, I wouldn’t take it. Years later she suggested I should take it when the overwhelming panic set in. I told her I was afraid of becoming an addict. She told me that if I had the fear of becoming one, I probably didn’t have the type of personality to become addicted.

          I’m thinking your sister-in-law is taking the pills in the benzodiazepine (like Xanax, Valium, Ativan) classification? Those taken at the wrong dosage, or a higher dosage will cause a person to sound out of it. Also, overdosing on these could be easy, especially when mixed with alcohol or other drugs. Actually, now days most doctors won’t prescribe these except in small dosages, due to the high incidence of addiction. It’s rather hard to break the addition as well. Sounds to me like she needs a new doctor. I couldn’t imagine losing my kids over a drug problem. There are drugs to help with depression/anxiety–each reacts differently in each person. Sometimes, it’s a trial and error thing. That’s what I had to do, but I paid close attention to how I was reacting to the medication, and I worked hard to get through all the crap I have dealt with. I hope she finds her way. If not for herself, at least for her kids.

  3. suzjones says:

    Come here girl and I’ll give you a hug.

  4. April, I don’t have any advise or wisdom or….anything helpful. I do have compassion for you and hope that you regain that control over anxiety that you want. I have hope hope hope for that for you.

  5. I guess what matters is that you are making yourself aware of what’s going on every time you take in your meds. If it’s what’s best for you at the moment, then let it help you. I’m sure there will be another streak of light for you later on that will lead you to what your heart truly desires. Your courage and will to fight inspires me so much, Ms April. Thank you for the inspiration. Blessings.

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