As I have found a way to live in spite of clinical depression, so I learn to live with anxiety. I’m finding a way to live with the fact that there are no guarantees in life. I keep searching for proof that lung cancer, if detected early, can be cured. There are no articles or studies to back this up.
There isn’t a 5-year marker where I can say, “whew! I made it–let’s party”.
All of my torturers fill me with hope, because that’s all I have. I wish they would give me all the facts, which even Blunt Oncologist withholds—it would save me a lot of time researching to find a glimmer of hope. However, I’m done with driving myself crazy by striving to control that which I can’t.
As with depression and anxiety, I live with the probability I will have to fight cancer again.
Being anxious is a time waster, and I may not have a ton of time to waste with obsessive thoughts regarding whether or not I have a microscopic dirt bag sniffing around for a weak spot.
With that in mind, I have to take in all that is beautiful around me. I do this on a daily basis, but honestly, I have let anxiety, grief, and depression rob me of seeing what is there.
While washing the never ending pile of dishes yesterday, I noticed the native azalea blooming that grows on the other side of our fence. I could have had more of those beautiful plants, but Edward Scissorhands, aka my husband, created a barren landscape in the back yard, shortly after we moved here.
I trekked out in my cowgirl boots, hoping they would be protection against any poisonous snakes I may encounter. I knew they probably wouldn’t be much protection, but they were better than flip flops.
The repetitive photography lessons regarding depth of field, have finally reached that minuscule section of my brain that retains information. I thought I would take a few shots of that beautiful plant I enjoy every year.
This is what my boots looked like after the trek. That is pollen. It’s pine pollen, and mostly it makes a mess. It isn’t one of the pollen types that wreak havoc for most allergy sufferers. No, we have many other pollen types to irritate our eyes, make our throats sore, create plugged noses, and prevent us from enjoying the outdoors this time of year.
I also encroached on a Robin sitting on her nest of eggs. Can’t wait to see the little babies!
I know that I will always have anxiety and depression lurking in my head, just as I have cancer lurking in my body, but I can’t live in fear of any of them returning. I’m not sure I can control depressive episodes, but I have been given tools to tame the anxiety. For right now, things are good. I can live with that.