One of the most personally irritating aspects of depression, is isolation. When I’m in a full on, who-the-heck-cares, pit of depression—isolation doesn’t bother me so much—I crave it. Nothing matters, therefore, being alone is exactly where I feel I should be. However, humans need companionship.
We all need to have contact with others to grow and thrive.
If I could control the desire to isolate during a depressive episode, I would. It isn’t as simple as that.
At this point in time, I’m emotionally stable. I almost feel “normal”. Which only means I can laugh and cry—both at appropriate times. It doesn’t mean that I feel I can lollygag all over the countryside having a jolly good time.
What I’m struggling with, is the resistance I have about doing something I want to do. I can’t figure out why it’s so hard for me to get in the car and drive to a photography club meeting.
I swear, I have a crappy little mini-me on one shoulder, who is ginormous compared to the happy-go-lucky mini-me on the other shoulder. Crappy mini-me is loud and obnoxious….simply making noise. It’s an odd inner battle of wanting to go, but at the same time, wanting to stay home–in isolation.
Is it a comfort found during depressive episodes? Or, am I just a troglodyte at heart? If I were a troglodyte, why would I want to go places, but have to force myself to go?
Okay, I’ve whined enough about that. Only the people who have experienced this will understand. The rest of you will be shaking your heads. I’m shaking my head.
By the time this will be read, I will have made it to my meeting and returned home. I will have had a good time, and learned a lot. I will be proud that the happy-go-lucky mini-me, kicked me in the hind quarters, and I paid attention.
I will look back and snicker at my silliness, hoping the next event will be easier to convince crappy mini-me that I seriously want to go.