♪ They’re Here ♫

First, the good part. I filed a complaint with the county about the dog barking. While it hasn’t stopped completely, the offenders let their dogs out one at a time in the morning before 6 am. There appears to be 2 instigators, and when they don’t have any partners in crime, the early morning raucous has diminished. The midnight barking has also mostly disappeared. Small victory.

Most of my days are good. The bad days are normal, and I work to turn them around. Every day is better for me. Today, we are supposed to have a 70 degree or higher day. I intended to soak up some of that vitamin D.

However, I seem to complain, or work out my darker thoughts on here. There is more to me, and I recognize it, but I have to let go of some thoughts before they fester. Those pesky thoughts that are lurking around, waiting for a gap in my line of defense.  (To fill you in as to why I reference war tactics, I have been watching my share of WWII documentaries)

I was almost ready to post about days two and three to my series, Thirty Random Days to Organized Chaos, but the Chaos part struck again. I was so proud of my office progress. I even prepared our taxes without spreading paperwork all over the place.

I spent hours yesterday, hunting for a $50 charge to my son’s bank account. I didn’t set up repayments of student loans to be automatically deducted from his account. Since he has graduated, there is very little money in his account. This is a specific ploy by his dad and me to push along the job hunt. Eventually, he will want money to spend.

Needless to say, there are piles of papers scattered willy nilly all over my table next to the desk–but the desk is clean. 🙂

I would like to keep the most revealing parts of the shenanigans of my kids lives as private as I can, but still be myself. However, that boomeranger? He has returned to hit me in the ass, one too many times. Dealing with him has depleted my mom tool box. Guilt, Love, Reason, Putting my foot Down, Withholding Privileges, Guidance, Help, Listening, Patience, and Sicking his Dad on him—all useless.

What he is hearing from us is blah-blah-white noise. What I see on his face—a blank screen.

Other than tough love, aka booting him to the streets, I have no other choice but to EXPOSE him–and his little girlfriend too. If they even read this, I hope it shakes them up. They are only hurting themselves, and we are not going to be enablers any longer.

Out of the kindness of our hearts, we have been helping Long-term Girlfriend. I know this is an approach a lot of mothers or fathers out there will disagree with, but we let her live with us. We have supported her for years, financially, and unsuccessful attempts at personal help in the form of love and helping her to seek mental health support. Both of them are seeing counselors. Both do not have jobs.

I would like to say that I don’t understand depression, but I know it all too well. If we turned our backs on these two, they would become statistics. Two of the mentally ill homeless population. How can a parent do that to their child? Actually, how can we do this to a person we have come to love as our own? If I were a billionaire, I would scour the streets and scoop up all the mentally ill and find a way to get them help.

Our son signed a waiver for his therapist to discuss any serious concerns with his dad. The other day, he received such a call, my son told me about it. After he returned to his burrow, I dropped to my knees. Wind taken from my sails, tears falling down my cheeks, and fear like I haven’t experienced since I was wheeled off for my lung surgery.

That $50 charge? I asked my son if there was any document that he put his bank account number on, while exiting college. Oh, he said, I should have told you…that is to pay Long-Term Girlfriend’s student loan.

???

Oh my gosh! Nice Mom is joining forces with Fed Up Dad, the one I have been tempering because I didn’t want to push either kid/adult over the edge–Fed Up Dad doesn’t know what depression is like, I do. Our mission is a swift strike, and keep striking until they start to act like the adults they are.

Because I recognized that my oldest son was most like me in the mood department, I have learned to analyze every step I make. Will I push him away? Will my comments destroy what little self-esteem he has? I was there for him. Always. He has told us numerous times that he wouldn’t have made it through college, mentally, if it hadn’t been for me and his dad.

I love both of them from the bottom of my heart. If I could, I would take their depression or anxiety and deal with it myself. But love only goes so far. Love can turn into preventing others from recognizing their personal responsibility to recovering from a mental illness.

It’s beginning to feel a lot like manipulation, laziness, and being taken advantage of.

No more.

Oh, please give me strength…………….

 

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About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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16 Responses to ♪ They’re Here ♫

  1. I “liked” this because of your writing through it. Good for you. I pray for your strength too!!!! I wish I had wisdom to help. But I don’t. Just mental support!!!

    • April says:

      Thanks. This is one of the mom things I believe I went astray. I didn’t teach them enough. This was more of a “get it off my mind thing” in preparation for the battle. 🙂

  2. reocochran says:

    You need to be somewhat ‘strong’ and glad you have someone to create a united front. But, having said this, we as Moms tend to want to help out and make things better. I have done this and I heard a great line from someone, “You never hear someone in jail say they are there due to a loving mother!” (My ex tends to say, “You spoiled those kids.” I am not saying that I gave them a lot of money or toys, either. I just listened and tried hard to understand. I went to Al-Anon meetings and also, to family counseling…. I would hate to hear about your son ending up on the streets. I know this is a ‘fine line you are walking!!’ Good luck and God bless you, April! Hugs, Robin

    • April says:

      Thanks Robin! We haven’t tried family counseling. Maybe that is what we need. I’m going to check that out. I didn’t even think of it. duh!

  3. bmagpub says:

    Always a tough one – caring for and taking care of your children. Not necessarily a mum thing either. Definitely a parent thing. And I appreciate your “support his partner” stance. And the throwing your hand up stance. So much to say, but know that I am sending you supportive thoughts. And it is a good thing to write down your feelings – even if you don’t share, I think it is good to express them explicitly in words, and once they’re out the pressure drops (if only slightly). sometimes, love has to be so very patient. May tomorrow (Saturday) be another good day for you.

    • April says:

      Thank you. I think that I am taken off guard by my kids all the time.Just when I think I have them figured out, and parenting mastered, they do something which proves me wrong. We will make it through this one, just as we always do. And today? Saturday? Good day!

  4. mewhoami says:

    Tough love. It’s hard to know what is best for our children. Usually it’s the very thing we don’t want to do, that we must do, in order to provide the true help that they need.

  5. suzjones says:

    April, you need to stop blaming yourself for this because as insidious as depression and anxiety can be, the fact remains that the kids are adults and are able to take responsibility for their own actions. I have lost count of the number of times I’ve ‘bailed’ my oldest out in times of debt and crisis and I am meant to keep my mouth closed about her husband. I have always tried to be there for them and I tell myself that it is because of the babies that I continue to do it but when I hear things back that her DH has said then I want to throw it all in. It’s about learning where to draw the line and it isn’t easy as a mother to do this. So I feel for you and I know your pain.
    Keep hanging in there babe.

    • April says:

      I’m tough, but when I heard that my son had considered suicide, and the doctor called my husband to make sure his guns were locked up, my heart hit my stomach. Things will be fine. I get stronger every day.

      • suzjones says:

        The fact that he considered it and spoke about it means that he is working through it. I’ve considered it to April (as I’m sure you have) but then common sense kicks in.
        I can understand that causing you heartache, I really can but I think he is as tough as his mother and you will all get through this and come out the other side.

        • April says:

          Yes, he said that the one (according to him) time he considered it, that was when he decided he needed professional help. The hard thing is the mom part of me that just wants our kids to never experience hurtful things. That’s impossible, and I know it. Life isn’t always flowers and sunshine. I let him know that no matter what, I know where he is coming from and I may not be able to help him, but I know where to go to get him help. He’s a smart guy, but sometimes depression smothers intelligence. We will make it—now I need to find a way to get through him that a regular sleep schedule would be of great benefit to him. 🙂

          • suzjones says:

            Ah, but therein lies the other battle – convincing the children that their parents really do know what they are talking about lol

  6. Cathy says:

    Teach them enough? There you go my dear April trying to blame yourself for others problems. Sure, in hindsight, you maybe should have done this or that or the other thing but you did the best you could and knew at the time. You are a very loving thoughtful and caring person and mother. This is a very sad scary time for you and I have no advice except to not take this on as your fault!!!!! You have done well by your kids your husband loves you and you have friends that love and care for you. Please be good to you as well as your children and ltgirlfriend…you are so worth it!!! xoxoxoxoxox

    • April says:

      Thanks Cathy! I’m a work in progress. I am releasing what I always blame myself for, but bad habits are hard to break. Besides, on my blog, I am mainly getting some thoughts off my mind. I can then read them when I need, in order to see how much I really need to kick myself in the rear and mind my own business. 🙂

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