Once Upon a Hump Day Dreary

Working through some more thoughts and personal actions–this may be rather boring to most. Just a warning….. 🙂

Whether I’m experiencing a mild or a severe episode of depression, I seem to compound the issue by berating myself over thoughts becoming “all about me”. I forget how my actions appear to others. I know that this is the illness, and I have little control over what direction my mind takes. However, an inner battle is constantly being fought.

While I understand the need to please everyone is futile, I’m “normally” very cognizant of the feelings of others, and I will go out of my way to avoid hurting someone’s feelings–even those of a stranger. The ability to care becomes lost in the fog, while on some level I’m mad at myself for not caring.

Same goes for the scanxiety issue I deal with every six months. While my fear can be overwhelming, it impacts those close to me in the same manner. Not by the way I’m distracted, short tempered, or quiet, but they are experiencing the same anxiety.

The waiting.

Mean doctors are mean. You’d think they could come up with a faster way to do what they have to do. I want them to be thorough, but geesh…

Who knows, one day, maybe they will come up with a machine to read scan results. A machine which will highlight all the funky stuff. A machine which will eliminate human error.

The relief of a clean scan is just as powerful to my husband and kids, as it is to me. I’m learning to whoop it up and celebrate–well, I intend to at the beginning of next month. I no longer wish to stuff my feelings down.

If the tables were turned, and it was one of my family members, I would be just as worried and relieved when the good news is revealed. Why don’t I think other people feel this way as well?

Oh, what a complex web our minds weave.

Recognizing that depression and anxiety aren’t simply personal experiences—they are family experiences—isn’t an aha moment for me. This is the ugly character of the illness.

While I’m in a stable mood, I’m hoping to relinquish my need to do everything myself. I’m probably fooling myself, thinking I will always have some sort of control, but I recognize that some of my thoughts exacerbate the depression, and inhibit recovery.

If I have learned that I’m I fueling the depression by my screwy thoughts, can I control the severity, if faced with that huge crappy pit again?

Oh my gosh! What an odd place the mind vacations while depressed. During a depressive episode, or a wash of anxiety, all I want is for someone to take over the navigation. I want to be taken care of—but not really. Inside my skewed little mind, I want to seriously do it myself because I expect to do it all. My illness, my responsibility—and I don’t care.

sigh

eye roll

Just as I asked my oncologist about the odds of having a recurrence, I asked my therapist about the return of depression. Doctors don’t know everything. How in heck are they supposed to answer those questions?

Do I really want to know?

All that is certain is right now–this very moment. The moment I’m spending on the computer while procrastinating–again.

…and I still have to go to the grocery store.

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About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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16 Responses to Once Upon a Hump Day Dreary

  1. mewhoami says:

    Good thing grocery stores don’t run off while we’re procrastinating. It’ll still be there when you’re ready. 🙂 I like how you toss your thoughts out exactly how you’re feeling them. You really expressed just how unsettled and mixed up our thoughts can be. It’s that war inside, between logic and emotion. Those internal wars are so very frustrating.

    • April says:

      Pretty messy, isn’t it? At least they are just thoughts at the moment, and not the experience of depression. I don’t want to go back there, and I am trying everything I can to avoid it. Unfortunately, that may not be possible….but, I’ve been told things about my health before that I didn’t give much thought to, and guess what…they didn’t happen.

      • mewhoami says:

        Did I miss any potential bad news you were given? I hope not…

        • April says:

          No, I was thinking about a talk I had with my therapist about the possibility of sinking back into a depressive state. She said that it is possible, but I would be ready and have the tools to keep it from becoming too bad. I’m going to pretend that she said I wouldn’t have any more problems. Pretending works for me. I do the same with side effects of drugs. If I focus on the bad things, well….I get the bad side effect. 🙂 Anyway, I have my scan on Monday, and the doctors visit for the results the next Monday, but I’m sure all will be good.

  2. What an accurate portrayal of the winding road are brains take us on to help us process everything. I appreciate eveything this post tells us about what you are going through. The last sentence really brings it to reality. All of these thoughts and you still have to live and do.

  3. aviets says:

    Oh, no…not the grocery store! Peaceful thoughts coming your way…:) -Amy

  4. suzjones says:

    “Recognizing that depression and anxiety aren’t simply personal experiences—they are family experiences—isn’t an aha moment for me. This is the ugly character of the illness.”
    This line jumped out at me April. Thank you.
    Many people don’t realise that when depression strikes one person, it strikes the whole family and it is such a difficult thing to help people realise.
    I hope you don’t mind but I copied and pasted the above line into a word document as a prompt for my book 🙂

  5. Tracy says:

    Never boring:-)

  6. reocochran says:

    I have a middle child, a son between two girls, who has battled depression. He ended up in a Psych ward once, in jail once. It is not easy what you have to deal with in your own battles with depression. I am proud of you, April. You have a lot of stuff, including nervousness about the scan and dealing with the oncologist. Some of us ‘have a breeze’ of a life. Those don’t understand. Take care and I am rooting for you, in all areas of your life! Hugs, Robin

    • April says:

      Seriously, my life is a breeze, I probably over worry. In fact I know I over worry. It’s something I’m trying to conquer.

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