I Didn’t Know It

WeddingI didn’t know it then, but the way of numbing myself, in order to deal with depression via the liquor bottle, was about to change. My impulsive behavior would be replaced with responsibilities.

I learned I had married the most caring person.

I learned about real love.


I didn’t know it then, but I was about to experience the vengeance of postpartum depression–three times. pregAs doctors had falsely predicted, I didn’t have problems becoming pregnant.

I learned that doctors don’t know everything.

I learned that I should have carried with me, the belief that I am healthy until told different.


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I didn’t know it then, but within a few weeks of our son’s high school graduation, my mom and I would find my brother dead, followed by the death of my grandmother the next day.

I learned how truly strong I was. 

I didn’t know it then, but my dad would be passing on, three months later.

I learned the differences between grief and depression.


ChelseaI didn’t know then, that our 17-year-old daughter was about to move back across the country for college, only to return for brief visits.

I learned how independent and happy she is,

I learned how to let the kids fly.


IMG_2265I didn’t know it then, but the next day, I would be told I had cancer.

I learned that doctors don’t know everything. 😉

I learned how to advocate for my health.

I didn’t know then, but I would be entering the biggest battle for my life.

I learned how to keep my mind from dwelling on negative possibilities.


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I didn’t know then, but this would be the last time I would see my sister, which would send me spiraling once again.

I learned about life, and how to live it, from her.

I learned how truly strong I was.

I learned I will survive.

What tomorrow brings, we cannot know. We live today through the lessons we have learned. A quote from one of my favorite movies, King Arthur (the one with Clive Owen)—yes, an odd choice, and I don’t know what draws me to it.

The gift of freedom is yours by right. But the home we seek resides not in some distant land, it’s in us, and in our actions on this day!

What’s your choice?

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About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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21 Responses to I Didn’t Know It

  1. aviets says:

    Wow, that is a powerful post. Love it. -Amy

    • April says:

      Thank you Amy. I woke up at 2:30 after about 2 hours of sleep with this on my mind. So, I took a trip down memory lane.

  2. suzjones says:

    I choose to live. As you have chosen.
    I love your wedding photo April. It truly shows what a fun person you are. 🙂

  3. I did also choose to live and survive, no matter what.
    Great trip at your memory lane. Thanks for sharing.

    • April says:

      I have happier memories. 🙂 I need to focus on those, and how I live today. No more worries about the future. Thank you Irene.

  4. mewhoami says:

    I didn’t know then… that is life isn’t it? We just never know what tomorrow will bring. And we never know just how important today truly may be.

  5. Justin B. says:

    Beautifully done. I wanted more.

  6. LindaGHill says:

    This shows how truly courageous you are, though I’m sure at times you doubted it. I’m encouraged by your strength. Thank you for sharing this, April.

  7. My choice today is to pay attention to my lessons. What a strong and moving post April. Thank you.

  8. Glynis Jolly says:

    Every day could be your last, but most certainly it is a new day too.

  9. reocochran says:

    You have gone through a lot of very serious situations where a sense of loss, grief and even, depression would be totally understandable. I am glad for your triumphs, sad for your losses. Home is inside our hearts, family distant, as your daughter is, can be still brought close in different ways. Thank you for sharing your photos with us, April! You are a testament to strength and courage! Hugs, Robin

    • April says:

      Those were only some of the biggies. I’ve had to deal with each kid leaving home, menopause, and the loss of long-time family pets. Oh! And a big one…moving across the country from the only place I had known for 47 years. A place where I had to start all over, make new friends, and navigate my way around. But yes, I think I can do this! 🙂

  10. tric says:

    Wonderful post. Life marks us in so many different ways and it sometimes takes all we have to keep going, but I really believe life is worth living. It looks like you do too.

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