It’s All Good Until the Sun Shines Through

The process of organizing my chaos is still ongoing, however, distraction is hindering me a bit—but in a good way.

While the goal was to start with the office—I got distracted by the kitchen. It’s not that the kitchen is neglected but there are some things in the cabinets which shouldn’t be there. Such as expired spices. Seriously expired spices. I also came across champagne glasses, the cheap kind, I knew they were there, but nonetheless, we don’t drink champagne–even on New Year’s Eve. Even if we did, we would probably use the regular glasses or plastic cups.

I have been purging and polishing.

While standing in the sunlight pouring through the kitchen windows, highlighting our shiny refrigerator—with its scratches and dings—I noticed some spots I missed. I used to berate myself for being so inept. I simply grabbed a soft cloth, aka paper towel, and polished some more. It’s good enough.

It’s hard living with my mind at times. I want a perfectly organized house, but I have the mind of a hoarder. Not a serious hoarder, but I do have to stop and ask myself—do I really need those cheap Santa mugs that were used once, while the kids were little?

I’m still working in the kitchen, perfection isn’t achieved overnight. The only thing that bothers me—all of this chaos and neglect, is a reflection of my depression. In a way, it makes me sad.

I’m not going to focus on this sadness, it doesn’t get me anywhere. It will only create more hoarding, dust, and chaos.

This may make sense to some, but baffle others–and this is simply my personal observation of my actions.

Letting go of self-hate and worry is a wee bit daunting. I now see that I used mild episodes of depression and anxiety as crutches to avoid life. Depression and anxiety became a source of comfort to me. It’s all I knew. I wasn’t vulnerable to the criticism of others, because I already believed I was bad. I didn’t have to expose myself to things that are simply uncomfortable, because I created an anxiety issue over everything. As soon as I felt any discomfort, before I knew it, I was stuck in the cycle of anxiety-depression-anxiety-depression…..

***Again, I’m not talking about my serious depressive, or anxiety/panic episodes, just the every day hate of myself, when the depression was there, but I wasn’t at the bottom of the bottom.***

Just as I have been dealing with unwanted, or items which no longer serve a purpose, so it goes with my thoughts. The thoughts about myself that are dusty, but have been used a lot. The thoughts which no longer serve a purpose.

I have been working on polishing myself, but the sun shines on some of the flaws I continue to see in myself. It doesn’t help when someone else points out the missed spots, but I’m finding that it doesn’t trigger an avalanche of horrible treatment of myself. I see them, I acknowledge them, I will work on them.



About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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20 Responses to It’s All Good Until the Sun Shines Through

  1. mewhoami says:

    This is a very motivating post, April. I’m glad that you are easing up on yourself a bit. Being too critical of oneself is a hard thing to overcome. Baby steps, as Sue would say. It’s great that you’re able to see the polished areas of your life. Sure, there still may be flaws (there will probably always be to some degree), but you can see the improvements little by little. That’s a wonderful thing.

    • April says:

      Baby steps are what it takes! Sue is a wise woman! I have always known that we are all flawed, but for some reason I was expecting to rise above the flaws. Now that I really stand back, and think about it, I actually laugh out loud. I have some good stories but I wouldn’t want to hurt others who are suffering the same malady.

  2. bmagpub says:

    Hi! This seems like a positive thing! Good on you. I know that sometimes it is hard, as we are often our own worst critics, and it is good that you see, you accept, you try to improve – and don’t forget to forgive at the same time. :-). It’s fantastic that you aren’t focussing on the “flaw” but using it spur you to a little action. Bravo for you April! Wishing you a wonderful day – and enjoy the sunshine. Brett.

    • April says:

      Thank you Brett. I still have some struggles, but each day, I learn something new. We have to learn to open our minds to accept what we already know. Does that make sense?

  3. 🙂 Sounds like the purging has crossed over from house to life and twixt and ‘tween again. And that sounds like it’s working for you.

    • April says:

      I’m attaining goals. Goals have been pretty much neglected for soooo long, I can’t remember the last goal I set. The last goal set, and reached, oh my….

  4. At least you are awake April. Remember to do something good for yourself every day, even only for few minuts.

  5. Just like with our messy houses, we ourselves are always a work in progress. I’ve come to terms with that as it relates to my house. As it relates to me, that’s a little harder, but I keep trying.

    By the way, I didn’t know spices could expire. I guess they lose their flavor over time?

    • April says:

      I don’t know about spices, I’m pretty sure they lose their flavor. I figured a spice that said use by February 2006, probably was not very tasty any more.

      I will probably never have the house that Martha Stewart would be proud of, but at least my closets will be cleaned?

  6. Tracy says:

    I’m glad you share it with us. I always find something in what you write that helps me:-) And I’m right there with you polishing myself… And trying not to focus on the flaws I see.❤

    • April says:

      I’m finding that the flaws I was focusing on inhibits any creative thinking, goal setting—living. It’s nice to see these things, now I just have to continue seeing them.

  7. Amen to that lovely, sending you love and support across the waters x

  8. Glynis Jolly says:

    Keep it up. Your comparison between your feelings and thorough housecleaning is great. I have found that some thoughts just aren’t worth holding onto and needed to be discarded.

  9. suzjones says:

    Yesterday I read an article by Wayne Dyer. In it, he talks about a time that he sank into a depressive state. One day he realised that he had stopped the whole “Letting go and letting God” thing and had allowed his ego to take over. I was pretty annoyed when I read this but then I thought a little more about it and whilst I don’t believe he is 100% right, I do believe that it is our ego that ruins a lot of things in life for us.
    I’m so pleased to see you coming into the sunshine. It makes me happy.

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