Unfortunately, I live in a cycle of anxiety-depression-anxiety-depression. Some of you may understand, some may not.
When I sought therapy for the first time since the quack I saw 30+ years ago, it was due to crippling anxiety over my health. When diagnosed with cancer—but told that the surgery removed it, and I “will probably” never have to worry about cancer again—should be enough to calm most people. Instead, my mind went into overdrive with anxiety.
I doubted every doctor I received opinions from. I Googled all there is to Google about the type of cancer I had. I read boring medical studies. I looked at forums of survivors, and those who are currently in the fight. By the way, not a good way for me to deal with my fears.
With the help of my current therapist, I have learned to tame that anxiety producing element over my health status. It’s not like I don’t worry a bit about my next scan, I just don’t feel as if I’m going to die of a heart attack first. She also helped me through my grief and depression.
The place I came from was scary for me. I now experience anxiety over slipping back to the bottom of the bottom again. So, every time I have a bad day, it turns into anxiety over depression. Logically, I know that everybody has bad, or off days. In my mind, one bad day plants a little seed. Two bad days in a row, and I’m convinced I’m going to slip back into depression. I create a flurry of anxiety that I can’t control. I create a mind state which is very defeatist. Before I even get too far into my day, I feel physically ill.
It’s the next topic of discussion with my therapist.
What my post is really about? I have found some success. I mean serious success. I no longer feel the need to please everybody. If someone doesn’t like what I have to say, that is totally fine with me. It doesn’t mean I’m a rotten person not worthy of anybody’s love.
This is something I have been working on for what seems like decades—well, actually it has been that long. It didn’t happen overnight, and I didn’t recognize it until I was exposed to what would usually trigger a barrage of tearing myself down, had no effect on me.
This is big!!!
I’m not so bad today, I’m trying to approach my challenges of the day with a different frame of mind. I woke up with songs playing in my head, and not an “oh crap–I must get out of bed, but I don’t want to”.
I know that thoughts are powerful, and I try to control mine—I try to remain positive. However, overcoming anxiety has been a process for me. My mind is in a good place today, I will try to keep it there.
I’ll let you know if it works.