If You Only Knew

Fighting back the sadness–that stinkin’ part of my personality I call Hagatha–can be an extreme challenge. The tears I fight to keep from spilling down my cheeks takes some serious concentration. The struggle with the intense desire to crawl up into a ball, and quit existing, becomes overwhelming.

I fill my time with tedious tasks, and distracting actions. Knitting, hanging with my cats, even stinkin’ laundry are coping mechanisms to avoid the darkness I feel creeping up–hovering on my shoulder tempting me to give up.

There are days I give up. I don’t accomplish much.

I feel guilty.

I want to go back to bed this morning. However, I will push through.

Sometimes, it’s very hard for me to maneuver through a day….if you only knew.


About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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29 Responses to If You Only Knew

  1. aviets says:

    Those are some pretty good coping tools. I hope they’re enough for now. Thinking of you –

    • April says:

      Enough to keep me from tanking. I have an appointment with my therapist on Tuesday. We had discussed the possibility of slipping back into depression, and she said I have the ability to recognize the symptoms…which I do. What the heck am I supposed to do with those overwhelming feelings? I think she forgot to tell me something. πŸ™‚

  2. reocochran says:

    I am so sorry about how hard it is to get through your days. I am glad you share this, hope that blogging will someday help fill some voids and bring you joy! Along with friends and family, too. God bless you, honey! Robin

    • April says:

      Blogging helps, and so the the support. Thank you for your words. I’m trying to repeat, over and over, that this is only temporary, and life is what I make of it. It’s my choice. So, today is Super Bowl Sunday. We have family and friends coming over, and our team is playing. That is good enough for today.

  3. Dave says:

    So sorry. I hope your day starts looking better soon.

  4. Maybe you can try as I do, when I feel so bad. I take one of my cats and lay down, concentrate only about the cat, look intens at the cat, feel him, give him love and thanks him for his love for me.
    After a while in this way, I use to feel much better.
    Send you my best wishes.

    • April says:

      Thank you Irene. My cats are my life savers. Well, my husband is too, but I have begun to do as you say. Mindful thinking. I try to sit in places where I can hear, and sense all around me. Usually that is my deck, but it’s way too cold. Therefore I turn to my cats. I also do this with food that’s healthy. Texture, the smell, and taste, has helped me to change my mind–and steer it away from ice cream.

  5. Gede Prama says:

    visit your blog, read an interesting article. thank you friends for sharing and greetings compassion πŸ™‚

    • April says:

      Thank you for visiting. I like your blog! It’s where I’m striving to take my mind. I want to clear it from all the negativity.

  6. mewhoami says:

    Isn’t is amazing and discouraging that people only see the outside and assume that everything inside is well also? I do hope you get through this day, with a sincere smile on your face and find something beautiful in it as well.

    • April says:

      What’s irritating, is that I HAVE to hide it. My first reaction is to put myself down because I hate that I feel this way. I know when I master that first reaction, I won’t continue to spiral. I am stronger than I was, and that’s a plus.

      • mewhoami says:

        I would ask why you have to hide it, but there are many emotions, thoughts and opinions that I have to hide as well. So even though our reasons may be different, I understand. It’s very irritating. Sometimes we just need someone to listen. Thankfully we have this type of forum!…which I hesitate to use for that…argh.

        You ARE stronger and that is great!

        • April says:

          I hide it–or rather stuff down the feelings–because I have to live life. I’m not in a place where I want to give up, but it doesn’t make the struggle any less difficult. Even though it’s tough, there are days it is hard to keep a smile plastered on my face, and pretend like I don’t have a lot of crap going on inside my head. It becomes exhausting.

  7. suzjones says:

    I do know hun. I do 😦
    Keep being kind to yourself and taking those baby steps.

    • April says:

      I am. I’m trying to conquer that little rat in my head that is saying, oh–here we go–you are rotten–you can’t do anything, including being happy. It may take time, but I will do it!!!

  8. Hang in there. I’m pulling for you.

  9. Gallivanta says:

    Hagatha! Be Gone!

  10. Glynis Jolly says:

    Yes, I do know what you mean. All I can say is keep on truckin’ through the day.

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