Oh my garsh!
A long time ago, way before some people reading this were born, I learned how to contain excitement. I always thought that life was all about control. My control over myself, not others. I never became a user of street drugs because I felt they would take control from me.
Not that I haven’t had enough alcohol to turn me into an — well, I’m going to call it like it was — idiot. Mostly, I knew my alcohol limit so that I could maintain control.
Depression is so frustrating because there is no control.
I feel as if I have been slowly waking up since about October. Every day a little better than the one before.
I have been gone a long time.
I am a huge Seattle Seahawks fan. I’ve been one since the beginning. When my oldest son was born on the last preseason game of 1989, I went into labor early that morning. I ended up having to have a C-section, but I made the doctor promise that I would be coherent by the time that game came on.
Meh, I’m not sure how “with it” I was, but I did watch that game, along with my new son, and husband—out of control, hopped up on morphine.
That game was against the San Francisco 49ers, and we beat them.
Today, we are playing the 49ers again. This time for the NFC Championship. Next game–the Super Bowl.
For a person who learned to control excitement, I can hardly contain myself today. Let me tell you—I have a wonderful psychiatrist. At least for now, I feel like I’m on the right cocktail of drugs. I don’t feel drugged, or spaced out. I’m not sure, but is this what normal feels like?
The last two weeks I have thoroughly enjoyed watching football. I had to apologize to the Wee One, because he brought Sensible Girlfriend over to watch the game with us. Let’s just say, I found a way to let out my excitement. Most of this season, I have watched the games. Maybe I yelled a little, but there was no feeling.
I have my superstitions that I’ve been following since July, with the belief we will go to the Super Bowl again.
This is the first weekend full of sunshine since—I don’t know, but I believe I was still mired in depression.
It is simply beautiful. If we get a win today, the day would become more beautiful.
Feeling this way, without the urge to control myself, has taken far too long. I’m relieved to have finally reached this point. Although a Super Bowl win would be the cherry on top, I already feel as if I have won.
Hope you find something beautiful today.