Security Blankets

Last night, I pulled this ugly scrapghan up to my chin, and a feeling of warmth and inner peace washed over me.

My first thought was, how could such an ugly, simple blanket, made of all my yarn scraps, induce such a strong response? I’ve pulled this blanket up to my chin countless times, why was this time different?

I never thought I would use this blanket because it is rather heavy and very warm. It was one of those mindless projects I knitted while working through the grief of losing my dad, grandma, and brother.

Knitting is very cathartic for me. It has taken many stitches to work through my grief in the form of hats for donation to newborn babies, baby blankets for my loaner grandkids, countless pairs of socks, a sweater I outgrew before I could finish it. πŸ™‚ So many potholders, drink coasters, wash rags, and dish towels, that my knitting friends receive joy in picking on me for my redundant choice of knitting patterns.

I have found this funny looking blanket is just right—even during the summer, but only with the air conditioning on. I actually like this thing.

The second thought—inner peace. A feeling I’ll bet more than a few take for granted. Peace within myself has been extremely elusive. I have had bits of contentment on and off, but not full on peace. I’m pretty sure I have never attained inner peace–until now.

This peace comes at a price, though. That price is in the amount of anxiety it creates. Oh–how funny does that sound? How can one have peace and anxiety? I hope that I have enough time with my therapist to learn exactly how to catch myself before hitting that bottom of the bottom again. Unfortunately, learning to control the fear over this happening, is a challenge.Β Depression is lurking in the background, just waiting for me to let down my defenses. It’s an evil villain in cahoots with my anxieties to tear me down.

This feeling of inner peace, is like a potato chip. You know—you can’t have just one. Now that I have attained some inner peace, I will continue my work to maintain it. No matter what it takes.

That feeling I experienced? I believe was my family of angels tucking me in, letting me know that I will be fine.

Ha! It’s another experience I have tried to discuss with my husband that he’s never felt. In my world, my loved ones who have passed, are all around us. We just have to be paying attention.

Goodnight, Grandmama, Grandaddy, Dad, Dan, and Barbara. Fishy wishes and sweet dreams of tennis balls, Minnowpoopshka, Crappy Cat, and Cardetto Poo. (My kids are thankful I gave them regular names) πŸ™‚


About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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19 Responses to Security Blankets

  1. aviets says:

    I love your blanket! And I’m glad you’re finding comfort. In a way, I guess this blanket you label as unattractive is kind of a security blanket? πŸ™‚ -Amy

  2. You maked me smile here, by reading your post. Even anixiety, you are fighting to come up again and find your way.
    I like your blanket, it has its own story, and maybe you found the peace caused some of this story.
    Thanks for sharing.

  3. mewhoami says:

    I think I understand – you’re anxious over the possibility of losing the peace. I get that. When things are going well, I get scared, just waiting for the bubble to burst. Why can’t we just enjoy the moment? Let tomorrow take care of itself. You did a great job on the blanket by the way. Anything completed that required knitting, sewing or stitching is impressive to me.

    • April says:

      I have almost conquered the anxiety that is created over thoughts of cancer recurring, but the anxiety over when depression will take me down again—I’m still working on. I’m trying to enjoy each day for what it is, but I have a little part of me that is on guard.

  4. suzjones says:

    I can understand why you feel such comfort and joy from this.
    1. It is something you created, and
    2. It was created with love, tears and memories
    That’s the best kind of security blanket really. πŸ™‚

  5. Tracy says:

    It is a beautiful blanket April!!!! I think we all need one:-) for security and to remember. It’s perfect.

    • April says:

      Thank you. Another one of my friends, who is also a compulsive knitter, started one the same time. She is still working on hers. Let me tell you—I created this blanket with some extremely compulsive knitting. If I was sitting, I was knitting. I was sitting a lot.

  6. I love the scrapghan. And the word scrapghan.

  7. Inner peace is so underrated Irish you much more with your srapghan. What I wouldn’t give to be able to do my craftwork again. Inanaged a couple of projects about six months ago Now I can’t hold my crochet hook!
    Sleep well and say goodnight to everyone with a blessing from me
    Blessings. Susan x

    • April says:

      Susan, one of my fears is to lose my ability to knit–especially knit. There are times I have to give it a break because the pain that runs down my arms, making my fingers numb, is just too hard to work through. Thank you for your kind words. Blessings to you!

  8. Gallivanta says:

    That’s an awesome piece of knitting. Scrapghan is a great word! ” In my world, my loved ones who have passed, are all around us. We just have to be paying attention.”…..I do believe this. Celtic tradition has this belief too.

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