Last night, I pulled this ugly scrapghan up to my chin, and a feeling of warmth and inner peace washed over me.
My first thought was, how could such an ugly, simple blanket, made of all my yarn scraps, induce such a strong response? I’ve pulled this blanket up to my chin countless times, why was this time different?
I never thought I would use this blanket because it is rather heavy and very warm. It was one of those mindless projects I knitted while working through the grief of losing my dad, grandma, and brother.
Knitting is very cathartic for me. It has taken many stitches to work through my grief in the form of hats for donation to newborn babies, baby blankets for my loaner grandkids, countless pairs of socks, a sweater I outgrew before I could finish it. 🙂 So many potholders, drink coasters, wash rags, and dish towels, that my knitting friends receive joy in picking on me for my redundant choice of knitting patterns.
I have found this funny looking blanket is just right—even during the summer, but only with the air conditioning on. I actually like this thing.
The second thought—inner peace. A feeling I’ll bet more than a few take for granted. Peace within myself has been extremely elusive. I have had bits of contentment on and off, but not full on peace. I’m pretty sure I have never attained inner peace–until now.
This peace comes at a price, though. That price is in the amount of anxiety it creates. Oh–how funny does that sound? How can one have peace and anxiety? I hope that I have enough time with my therapist to learn exactly how to catch myself before hitting that bottom of the bottom again. Unfortunately, learning to control the fear over this happening, is a challenge. Depression is lurking in the background, just waiting for me to let down my defenses. It’s an evil villain in cahoots with my anxieties to tear me down.
This feeling of inner peace, is like a potato chip. You know—you can’t have just one. Now that I have attained some inner peace, I will continue my work to maintain it. No matter what it takes.
That feeling I experienced? I believe was my family of angels tucking me in, letting me know that I will be fine.
Ha! It’s another experience I have tried to discuss with my husband that he’s never felt. In my world, my loved ones who have passed, are all around us. We just have to be paying attention.
Goodnight, Grandmama, Grandaddy, Dad, Dan, and Barbara. Fishy wishes and sweet dreams of tennis balls, Minnowpoopshka, Crappy Cat, and Cardetto Poo. (My kids are thankful I gave them regular names) 🙂