Where The Path Leads

Holding back thoughts and emotions, are part of the make-up of the brain of some suffering depression. Actually, emotions are nearly non existent, except when displayed as anger, agitation, irritability. Not the little stuff–but big irrational blow ups. There are probably more emotions displayed, but happy is not one of them. Well—maybe during a manic phase for some.

Anyway, I’m not a brain function expert, and I have some hesitation writing this post because words can have an impact, and I certainly don’t want what I am about to say have a negative impact on anybody.

Friends of mine recently lost their daughter to a drug overdose. She was always a challenge for them, and was very destructive to their family life due to her mental illness.

One part to understanding my depression and anxiety was me. Over the last 30 years, I expected a special pill, for someone to tell me how to be happy, and to point out what I’m doing wrong. I made no effort to help myself beyond medications, primary doctors, and self-help books—which, by the way, made me feel more inadequate. When that didn’t work, I discontinued taking medications and used alcohol to exist through my numbness.

My friends did all they could to help their daughter. The treatment was not enough, nor was it successful.

Oddly, their experience has enhanced some self doubt. What if I’m really not recovering from depression? Am I even sick enough to call myself depressed? Was I just feeling sorry for myself?

To get to where I am today, I had a lot of work to do. I had to face, and look at things I had been avoiding because they were ugly, scary, and left me vulnerable. I had to place myself in anxiety producing situations, and to recognize my own bizarre behavior and thoughts. With the tools my therapist gave me, and with medication, I have been able to perform the part I play in my recovery. Yes, I recognized that the part of the equation I had been missing all these years, was the effort I didn’t take responsibility of.

None of it was easy, except the pill taking and the blabbing to my therapist. The hard work was up to me.

Could that be the answer for others?

No, I don’t believe so.

I am even having doubts that I’m even smart enough, and that is why I feel as if I’m getting better, because I’m disillusioned. There are some with a mental illness who, through medication and various therapies, can’t reach the rational part of the brain that recognizes they have to put in effort as well. That part of the brain has short circuited.

Why has my therapist, neuropsychological testing, my psychologist all told me that I’m severely depressed, and suffer from General Anxiety Disorder? My psychologist even hinted that he suspected I had Bipolar II, which created a Google frenzy.

If all people had to do, is recognize the fact that they have to be willing to do some hard work themselves toward their recovery, why are people still suffering?

Obviously, I have some more thoughts to push around my brain. Perhaps I’m simply tired because I only clocked about an hour of sleep last night.

Nothing beautiful here today. You can find me on the couch.

Hope you find something beautiful today!

****A wee bit of reflection on this subject. After the stinkin’ Google searches on “can depression be cured”, I am choosing to believe that I have some control over my mental health. I am in a good place mentally, and worrying about whether I will hit the pit again isn’t helping matters. What I have been doing, has been helping me. I will continue to do my work that is required to, in order to help my team help me. I won’t give in to anxiety or fear.*******

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About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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13 Responses to Where The Path Leads

  1. aviets says:

    I think one of the most frustrating things about these types of illnesses is the fact that self-awareness doesn’t equal ability to do what needs to be done about it. We’re accustomed to dealing with physical illness: Go to the doc, get some tests, take the meds or get the surgery or change the lifestyle, and things generally get better. It is SO not that straightforward with psychiatric issues, but I think we sometimes judge ourselves and our loved ones by that “physical illness treatment” standard. -Amy

    • April says:

      You know, that’s my fear. Just because I feel good now, how long is it going to last? Thinking that just makes me want to cry, and have cried over. I thought I had anxiety over a relapse of cancer, my anxiety over relapse of depression is very difficult to work through.

  2. mewhoami says:

    I posted something a while back about how our worst enemy is the person in the mirror. That is the person that constantly reminds us of our flaws, mistakes and brings about our negative emotions.That is the person we have to learn to ignore. It’s hard. That person talks to me frequently and I have to keep telling myself that ‘she’ doesn’t have control over me. I can do and be what I choose. I don’t have to fall victim to all the things that ‘she’ tries to convince me of.

    In other words, don’t let circumstances or the person in the mirror convince you that your ways are not working. They are. It’s evident in your posts. Sure, there are bad days, but you have made big steps in seeing yourself and working toward self improvement. You’ve also conquered some mountains that (from what I’ve read) you wouldn’t have been able to conquer before, at least not as well as you’re able to now. You’ve come a long way. Never doubt that, and I firmly believe that you will go much further.

  3. suzjones says:

    I know it is easier to say than to do April (oh my goodness – much easier to say) but you need to stop worrying about the ‘what ifs’. When they come along, acknowledge the thought and then move on. Or tell the thought that you’ll really give it some time later in the day. I had to do this to myself yesterday. Something small. Something minute happened at work and my brain started with the ‘what ifs’. I felt myself spiralling – I really did. So I said “look I don’t have time to deal with this right now. I’ll re-visit the what-ifs later”. I did and it didn’t seem half as bad as my spiralling self had originally thought. In actual fact, with hindsight it looked much better.
    I’m not expert – far from it but that’s just what I’ve found helps me. Maybe it will help you. 🙂

  4. Cathy says:

    April, not knowing exactly about this but reading your words and really paying attention to what you have to say makes me think a lot of this. That and all the news about this type of illness and so on. BUT it is very real and I know (cuz I am smart…hehehehe) that it takes a lot of willingness and work to get through this type of stuff. Also takes time and energy to work with the pros over meds. Not sure I told you about the jury I was that dealt with a bipolar/manic what have you. It was very very sad and hard for me to figure out what was best for her. She was a big danger to herself. It sounds to me as if you are sane and very well aware of your problems and working to get yourself better for you!!!!! Good luck and that is what I am finding beautiful today!!!! YOU!!!!! hugs to you as always….not sure this makes sense but I am not a blogger I am a commenter…..heheheheh

  5. Cathy Bohlae says:

    What is the 7676 about? Confused but okay😉

    Date: Thu, 9 Jan 2014 14:08:05 +0000
    To: bohlae@hotmail.com

  6. Glynis Jolly says:

    This is just my opinion but… If you are able to write the way you do in your blog, I can’t see how you could be severely depressed or anxious. Most of your writing is way too clear, is easy to understand. This is not a sign of severe problems from what I have read. This is not to say that you aren’t depressed at all or not anxious at all, but I believe you understand things more clearly than someone with these problems in the more severe phases.

    • April says:

      Yes, I think I know that. I only write about what I know, and feel, and have only been able to do this through the help and work I have made, to reach this point. Frankly, it hurts to be doubted, as if I am misrepresenting depression and the seriousness of it. I also know that there are others just like me—a lot of them. A lot of them who go through life without seeking help due to the stigma.

      I also realize that there are people with more serious (notice I said serious, not severe) mental issues. The ones like my friend’s daughter. The people with schizophrenia, the mania of Bipolar I. The people who self-harm.

      Does that make my experiences less painful, less important? That I’m just a little bit sick, simply because I don’t write as a “severely” depressed person would? I wish it were, because I sure don’t like living this way.

      Thank you for your opinion. It shows that I haven’t accomplished what I had intended to, when I started writing about depression. I also haven’t made my point to encourage people to seek help and move beyond the stigma. The kind of stigma of doubt from others.

  7. Gallivanta says:

    What a battle it is. Wishing you some peaceful sleep, if that will help?

  8. Pingback: Another Clarification–Sorry It’s Lengthy | Finding Beauty In Spite of Myself

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