Forever Young

Grief is a crappy, sneaky, critter. We carry on with our lives, remembering those we have lost, hopefully with beautiful memories, and cherishing the times we had with them.

My siblings and I when we were teens and hated when my dad pulled out the camera.

My siblings and me when we were teens and hated when my dad pulled out the camera.

I have two things that cause anxiety for me. I’m not talking about fear—anxiety. The kind that gets your heart racing, palms sweating, the squeezing of the chest so bad, making you believe you’re having a heart attack, the inability to breathe–kind of anxiety. A state of mind that I hope most of you never experience.

The first thing that creates anxiety for me, is my health. Every time I feel even the faintest bit of pain, in any part of my body, my first thought is that it must be cancer. This is something I have been working through with my therapist. Getting close to mastering my anxiety, at least the attacks aren’t as severe, but the anxiety is still there.

The second thing that I struggle with is aging. Not the saggy boobs, crinkly skin, gray hair, turkey neck, or flapping under arms. My fear, is losing my ability to walk with the same long stride I have, my eyesight, my hearing, my mind due to Alzheimer’s, and giving up knitting due to arthritis. Bring on those character changes, just don’t take my abilities.

Not that I was thinking about getting old this morning, the first thought I had was about my sister. That stinkin’ grief slapped me upside the head this morning.

Barbara on a ride I convinced her to take at the Western Washington Fair. She flew through the air, and it scared the crap out of her. I know she now flies with the angels and I know she has no more fear.

Barbara on a ride I convinced her to take at the Western Washington Fair. She flew through the air, and it scared the crap out of her. I know she now flies with the angels and I know she has no more fear.

My brother and sister have attained something I will never reach. They will remain forever 51.

I’m not going to linger here with my grief. I’m recognizing it, moving through it, and I will enjoy my day. We may have extremely cold temps, but the sky is so blue! A beautiful day to remember my dad, brother, and sister.

I don’t know who wrote the following lyrics, but the song was first introduced by Alphaville.

Let’s dance in style, let’s dance for a while
Heaven can wait, we’re only watching the skies
Hoping for the best but expecting the worst
Are you gonna drop the bomb or not?
Let us die young or let us live forever
We don’t have the power but we never say never
Sitting in a sandpit, life is a short trip
The music’s for the sad men

Can you imagine when this race is won
Turn our golden faces into the sun
Praising our leaders, we’re getting in tune
The music’s played by the, the mad men

Forever young, I want to be forever young
Do you really want to live forever, forever and ever?
Forever young, I want to be forever young
Do you really want to live forever? Forever young

Some are like water, some are like the heat
Some are a melody and some are the beat
Sooner or later, they all will be gone
Why don’t they stay young?

It’s so hard to get old without a cause
I don’t want to perish like a fading horse
Youth’s like diamonds in the sun
And diamonds are forever

So many adventures couldn’t happen today
So many songs we forgot to play
So many dreams swinging out of the blue
We let them come true

Forever young, I want to be forever young
Do you really want to live forever, forever and ever?
Forever young, I want to be forever young
Do you really want to live forever, forever and ever?

Forever young, I want to be forever young
Do you really want to live forever

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I have some beautiful memories to carry with me—hope you find something beautiful today.
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About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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16 Responses to Forever Young

  1. bwcarey says:

    love is a spirit that never dies, and if it hurts, your just like a tree, growing new branches, happy days,

  2. mewhoami says:

    Grief has a way of hitting us when we’re least expecting it. We can be having the greatest day, then wham. I’m glad to hear however, that you are not going to let this episode of grief bring down your entire day. Even better, you were able to use this moment to share some of your good memories of your sister.

    I firmly believe that we can bring illnesses upon ourselves. We can will ourselves into getting diseases that would otherwise remain dormant. Our mental outlook on life can take on physical attributes, whether it be good or bad. Of course there are other times when it’s completely out of our control, but positive thinking definitely doesn’t hurt.

    • April says:

      I was just having this type of discussion with my mom. In fact, I may make a post out of it. I do feel as if my stabilizers have been knocked out from under me from the death of my sister—she was my go-to person. I had her in my life, and I am thankful for that.

  3. moanymina says:

    This is beautiful. It’s wonderful to be able to take out your memories and enjoy them without the grief taking over. Takes a long time to get there!

  4. Gallivanta says:

    Grief is sneaky. I wonder if, like old age, we somehow have to learn to make it our friend?

    • April says:

      I remember my grandma telling me that all her friends were dying. I thought how sad. Months ago, I was talking to my husband about how fragile my emotions were and I didn’t know if I could handle any more bad things or loss of a loved one. His response—it’s going to happen. That was it. No further comment. That’s when I seriously worked to get my head on straight.

      • Gallivanta says:

        It’s not easy. As Juliet Batten says in her book, society gives us lots of manuals, classes and information on child birth, or our coming in to the world, but very little on how to deal with our going out. I felt sad for my mother this Christmas; she is struggling with ill health caused by old age and then all the Christmas mail was about friends struggling with death of a spouse or a partner with Alzheimers. Did your grandmother cope well with her ageing?

        • April says:

          I believe she did. My mom seems to be doing okay as well, even though she doesn’t like to think about losing her independence. It’s me who has the problem.

  5. I hear you, I have also lost many and that has left scars on my heart too x

  6. Glynis Jolly says:

    Living with loss can be so difficult. My mom lost her husband (my stepfather) a couple of years ago. She still has bouts of tears every once in a while. She loved him so much and still does. Although my father passed last spring, I haven’t felt the loss because we were never really all that close. I still don’t know how I’m going to handle grief and I wonder about it at times.

    I wish you inner strength, April.

    • April says:

      Somehow, we learn to survive. My mom is a good example of it…even though I think she has denied that any of our losses happened. She lost her son (my mom and I found my brother), her mom the day after my brother died, and her husband–my dad, three months later. She lost another child, my sister, in March. Oh, and her little rat of a dog two weeks after the death of my sister. She is still strong, even though she doesn’t believe it. I think it brings us to our knees, but we learn how to live in spite of our losses. At least that’s what I’m trying to do. I wish inner strength as well, Glynis.

  7. Pingback: Fellow Blogger – April from Finding Beauty in Spite of Myself | It Goes On

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