Motivation and Organization

Motivation and organization are so elusive to me. Not that I started therapy because of my lack of motivation or organization, but we spent quite a bit of time discussing the baby steps it takes to change a behavior pattern. Well, I’m a big, impatient baby and I can’t take small steps.

However, I’m giving it a go—again. I’m going to add a widget to show my progress for exercise. Most will be walks for photography shoots or walking on the treadmill. I know housework is considered exercise but I don’t want to be reminded how much time I spend cleaning up after myself and the animals.

One of the baby steps I’ve been taking is to gather up everything I don’t think I will ever use (craft stuff). Anything extra—goes. I feel if I keep it simple then there will be less disorganization and I won’t have to motivate myself. Crap! Motivation is exercise in and of itself.

So, here we go on another journey I’m attempting to partake in. Organization and motivation. Today I started with exercise motivation. I took baby steps…literally.

I started my paper organization long ago. Soon, I should be able to share my progress and what I did to get there.

Here I go…..

 

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OMG! My Cat Stood on My Keyboard

 

I have a Chromebook, of which I have little knowledge knowing what it is capable of.

Apparently, there is a button, that when pushed, the damn thing describes everything I am doing. When I read the blog post of another, it tells me the entire link, what I’m doing, and it spells everything I do — aloud.

My cat stood on that button!

OMG! I am going a little crazy! Capital letters are stated in a higher voice. Deletes are stated in a lower voice.

Hahahahahahaha! I have some studying to do to take care of this.

Okay, now I’m having too much crazy fun. At the end of a sentence it will ‘speak’ the sentence for you. It’s very funny when it ‘says’ hahahahahaha!

I guess I’ll stick to reading until I figure out how to fix this problem.

hahahahaha! It calls me mom of ice nuts. New name of my blog. Thanks for putting up with my little childish amusement.

update! I found the button to undo it. whew!

 

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The Vampire in the City

At the office of my pulmonologist, we were discussing my shortness of breath and the pains I have on the left side of my chest. (I already know my heart is fine–had that checked)

I heard the usual blah, blah, blah, then I can possibly send you to a specialist to have stress tests on you heart, blah, blah, blah.

Wait a minute! There was a little more blah, blah, and during all the blah, blahs, my mind was focused on the age of this young doctor. The vision of the young doctor talking to the older patient about her heart. In my mind all I could hear is “57 years old….over and over”. Yes! I’m getting older in spite of the fact that my mind hovers somewhere around the age of 35.

So, yesterday, believing I do have the body of the 35-year-old, I decided to help my husband move the former Vampire in the Basement from one apartment to another. In the middle of the city of Atlanta! Do you know how hard it is to maneuver a  truck in a city apartment complex?

The apartment he moved to was in the middle of high rise city. There were some scary moments traversing the narrow city streets in a pickup pulling a trailer behind. The term idiot driver came to mind more than once. Well, there were worse words coming to mind, but I don’t need to share them. Let’s just say city drivers are a different breed.

Why my husband and I are so accommodating to our children is a  topic we need to address. We started moving at 5pm and finished at midnight. We then had to travel back to the suburbs and quickly got ready for bed, falling asleep before our heads barely touched our pillows.

Needless to say, when the Vampire in the City moves again, he will be renting a Uhaul and gathering a couple of his friends. Oh! I forgot to mention his old apartment was on the third floor. Annnnnd….it just happened to be one of those rare cold nights with temperatures hovering around the mid-30s. Guess who thought she wouldn’t need a coat? I was slightly thankful he wasn’t moving in the middle of August, though. I’m not sure I was much help, but I did haul a few things as I huffed and puffed up and down the stairs to his apartment.

So, the blah, blah, blah….you must exercise…blah, blah is going to come to fruition. I barely have any strength, and I want some of it back! Building up my lung capacity may be just as helpful. I want the words “Kick ass 57 year old….that’s who I am” to run through my mind every time I speak to a doctor slightly older than our oldest child.

You know, those doctors have some real information stuck in all their blah, blahs. I need to listen better and actually do what they recommend.

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I’m in Flight Mode

I’m very self-conscious over the way I write. Yeah, yeah, yeah…..it’s mine and I write for myself. However, I’m losing my way a little bit.

I want to run.

But I will stand my ground.

The following made me smile:

  • Sensible Girlfriend made some cupcakes and shared with us
  • My husband made that awful trip to the grocery store for me
  • I feel better today than I did yesterday
  • The absence of my mind – you can guess at this one
  • The sound of rain as I fell asleep

Here’s to wishing you find something to make you smile and enjoy your day.

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Don’t Take My Word For It

As a younger version of my loathing self, I always had an opinion. One which I expected everyone to understand and I dismissed them should they disagree with me.

Sound like a fun person to be around?

I have a suspicion the answer is no.

Writing about my experiences becomes difficult when I share the methods I use in order to live. I fear that someone will read my ramblings and get the wrong impression. I know I’m not an expert. I don’t expect all to follow along with me. We each know what is right for ourselves.

I’m inspired by the different ways I learn how others change their lives. There are many different methods to achieve happiness. I hate, hate, hate using medications to stabilize my mood. One day I hope I will no longer need them. If I do have to continue with my meds, I have to accept it. For me, at this very moment of my life, my medications are like insulin is for a diabetic.

The only thing I would suggest to any who struggle with depression is to find something to be grateful for. Something big, small, miniscule….there is something that can be found. It doesn’t require a prescription or mind shrinking. Just plain old observations.

The last few days the following made me smile (be warned…childish humor included)

  • Trying to walk my dog past a juniper bush
  • Reconnecting with old friends
  • Deciding to participate in a club again–photography to be exact
  • Naked Floofy Cat farted and sneezed at the same time
  • My favorite sound of the Cardinal bird
  • Being able to hold my tongue when words wanted to spew out willy nilly
  • Going to the movies with my husband

When going through a full-on depressive episode, it is nearly impossible to find what will make our individual lives worth living. In my experience, I can’t even read when I’m depressed because I don’t need or want any information to enter my mind–it’s full of ugly things. I’m stuck in my own depressed reality and I have to find my own way out. The way that works for me may not be the same for you.

However, look around.

Pay attention to a speck of light.

It just may be the speck you need in order to fight.

What do you see?

 

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The Poop Patrol

To some this may sound like a repeat, and some of it is, you aren’t having a deja vu moment

I love being outside.

In my own little world.

Listening to the birds and digging in the dirt. I feel closer to my dad when working in the yard.

Three days after we moved to the South during peak humidity season, I got sick. I had one of those deep coughs that wouldn’t go away.

A year later, I finally went to who I now call my Primary Torturest. The one I get lectures from and the I told you sos. Really, we have a great doctor-patient relationship, I just like to make her seem meaner than she is. She diagnosed me with asthma. What? I thought a person got asthma as a child and then grew with it. Apparently, that isn’t true.

So I got a second opinion.

Then a third.

I’m not going into the long version again but eventually a small nodule was discovered on my left lung. Ah, it was nothing to worry about they said, we chase nodules all the time and they end up being benign.

So I got a second opinion.

Then a third.

Now I have had a portion of my left lung removed and it was a stage 1a lung adenocarcinoma. Oh how overjoyed the doctors were being they found it in time when it was the most curable with surgery. So…what would have happened if I did what they wanted me to do…..wait and see?

Anyway, my breathing sucks because I don’t do what the doctors tell me to do in order to rebuild some lung capacity.

With that cancer diagnosis, four plus years ago I kinda stopped working in the yard. The place I enjoyed listening to the birds sing, trying to identify each. That was until the people behind us started hoarding a bunch of barking dogs. I turned to listening to music…classical is the best.

Even while scooping up dog poop.

I need to get outside more and stop thinking I’m going to stop breathing at any given moment.

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I Live, Therefore I Am

There was a time….a very long time….I wanted to discontinue fighting just to survive. I lived in fear that my cancer would return, yet at the same time I wish I didn’t exist. I was tired of major life changes and a boatload of grief.

I’m seriously hating this current pill regimen because of the weight I have piled on. It’s the pill the doctor warned me would make me think I need to eat all the time. To quote exactly what he said…“You’ll have to watch what you eat because this pill has a tendency to make you think you want to eat when you aren’t hungry. Just remember, it’s all in your mind”. Funny thing coming from a psychiatrist.

Okay, enough of his crap. I have gained enough weight that I can actually grab my belly and shake it like a bowl full of jelly. To be totally honest, it is because of this pill regimen that I am still here and finding life worth living. I’m not sure if I feel like myself because I don’t know who I am. Recently, I slipped ever-so-slightly over the edge—inching myself toward a depressive funk.

If I could just see some of the beauty in the world, I could hang on. The beauty I focus on in order to avoid the fear of slipping back. The fear? The fear of the fear? Mostly gone. The depression? That nasty side of my personality? Not feeling it so much but I believe it’s always there, ready to pounce and suck the life out of me.

This week the following made me smile:

  • Our daughter was here for a long weekend
  • The feel of Naked Floofy Cat’s hair growing back
  • Making it out of the grocery store with a small candy bar instead of huge bag of candy
  • Sunshine for several days
  • Not making a visit to the veterinarian’s office this week
  • Our oldest introvert is moving into his very first apartment…alone. No dorm, fraternity, or other roommates. He is so excited.
  • Our youngest has decided on a field of study….accounting. Not sure this is the right choice but it is his to decide. Better than Gamer….he would live with us forever!
  • I bought a new pair of shoes that weren’t boots or booties
  • Progress on the office organization
  • We’ve decided to rent the Missouri house until we retire–HUGE weight off my shoulders–not even sure why it was bothering me

I hope you find some beauty in your day. I also hope that finding that beauty can help you from falling in that pit of depression if you’re starting to feel sucked in.

 

 

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A New Way of Understanding

I have a pretty open mind. I hear the ideas or opinions of others…ponder them for a while and readjust if I find my thinking is flawed or negative. Maybe I’m missing the other side of the story.

There is a certain American football player I really dislike. The guy seems arrogant and does some inconsiderate things in public.

Anyway, I was talking — well, I should really admit I was trash talking — when a friend of mine pointed out that the exuberance of this young man is due to his love of the game.

Ponder.

Ponder.

Ponder.

We all are proud of our accomplishments. Some will rub it in the face of the opponent during competitions. This particular football player just so happens to act in this manner.

Have I changed my mind about him? Slightly, but I certainly can’t wait until he matures.

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A little bit of Facebook in my Blog

Our daughter is here visiting for a short while. While I can’t say that I’m the best entertainment director, it has been nice practicing my hearing skills. There are times I can listen all day but never hear a word.

Thankfully, our youngest was able to take some time off work, and our oldest travelled from the city to spend some time with us.

It’s such a great feeling to have them all together.

We ate.

We laughed until we cried.

We played a game that is almost an insult to our intelligence but nonetheless, we enjoyed ourselves.

I actually allowed myself to relax and have some fun—that was a biggie for me. :D

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Thursday’s Thingies

Well, it appears I haven’t been spending enough time perusing the internet for wonderfully odd objects you can spend your hard earned money.

This is all I have for Thursday’s Thingies

mood-logo1

Yes, for you knitters, there is a kit you can purchase to knit your moods. This is to practice self-awareness and have an acceptance of all your emotions.

The theory is to knit a little bit (I’m assuming a row) that reflects the type of mood best describes your day. Of course, I would probably have to type several rows a day with varying colors since I don’t have one whole day I’m mostly happy/anxious/bored/calm.

What I would add is another color for get the hell out of my way if you know what’s good for you.

Happy Thursday!

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