I love my friends

The last 10 years have been such a roller coaster ride and I have buried my thoughts under a cloud of despair. Not that I thought I didn’t have friends but I was stuck in a, what I would call, a self-centered mindset and felt there was nobody who really cared about me or what I thought.

I have a circle of friends around me. Those in the blog world that I would love to meet face-to-face someday, my family, new friends, and long time friends.

I have one particular friend that I have known for 20 years. I had the pleasure of hanging out with her on my last trip to Seattle. She is the friend who offered to fly to Atlanta on a moment’s notice to help after my surgery when I was diagnosed with cancer.

The friend I can say anything to without carefully choosing my words. The friend who knows I can be a goof, but also serious. She knows my struggles with depression and anxiety but our friendship isn’t surrounded by focusing on this part of my personality. We make each other laugh and are there for each other when we feel like crying.

Our personalities are also quite opposite. Among many things, I’m an introvert, she is very extroverted. She loves to shop, I deplore shopping. She is short, I am tall:)

The one thing we have in common is that we cherish our friendship. I love my friend.

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I love all my friends.

 

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Thursday’s Thingies

Have you missed these posts? They are a direct reflection of wasting-time-on-the-internet-while-avoiding-real-life.

Today we have this lovely, Tampon Clutch.

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Yes! For your fashion accessory, compliment your outfit with a huge tampon! Oh! If you like, you can also hang one around your neck!

If you check out this Etsy site, you may find something more to your taste, like a bow tie in the shape of a hot dog, an extremely over-priced taco handbag…..you know you want to…go and check out the handmade items.

Happy Thursday!

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Hump Day Heads

While I am still working on various series throughout my blog, I think I may let this one rest. Every time I think of posting one and think of someone reading it, I wonder if they believe that was 5 seconds of time they’ll never get back.😀

So….here is my last head….the one I found to be the most interesting.

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Have a happy Wednesday!

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A Little Fledgling

One of the buildings on our property is a little gardening shed. Not too sure I will use it much, I love working in the yard but I’m not thinking I will be having a garden. But who knows what the future will bring.

Since we were focusing on the outside during this last trip, my husband had the pleasure of cleaning the shed. Not much in there, really, old pots, tomato cages…..and a little bird’s nest. I told him to leave it because I thought it was a beautiful little nest.

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The eaves were open so the birds and the bees were getting in there😉 So, my husband was placing mesh on the eaves to keep them out. Lots of hammering ensued.

I was checking out his progress when he told me we had a problem. A problem with that house, to me, receives an eye roll. But, I went along with it.

There were babies in the nest and the parents were coming in and out, feeding them.

My husband kept hammering since the birds didn’t seem to mind. Soon we found a little baby on the potting bench. My first thought was that my husband’s hammering disturbed the nest so I made him stop working on the shed. We closed the door and walked away. I worried about the little fledgling and I feared it would die….then we googled “when you see a baby bird out of a nest”. Our decision was to leave it alone.

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We quietly checked on the fledgling every day until the birds were gone and the nest was empty.

The shed was finished.

Thanks to Google, and the comical way they described what to do, we learned that it’s best to leave nature alone….including cows.

 

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Crappy Guilt

Okay, I have to let something out. I’m refusing to feel like a failure but I’m a bit mad at my mind and why it’s the way it is.

It has been a while off the Abilify. I did some more studying and let’s just say that some of the other drugs I’m taking can have some adverse side effects if combined with Abilify. This scares me.

But….

With it, I feel strong.

For about 4 weeks now, I have been putting on my best warrior mask and pretending I’m not depressed. But guess what? I can’t fight it any more. It’s there and despite every positive thought, and “it’s all in how you think about its”, I have to admit defeat and return to that fat-making pill. The anxiety even reared it’s ugly head with a vengence, I survived but it still didn’t make me feel any less anxious about it happening again. That old fear of the fear started creeping up on me.

By the way, I didn’t lose any weight so apparently it has something to do with my crappy diet and lack of exercise.😀 Who knew?

My last post felt so odd when I was typing it. I felt like a person writing about what another person witnessed. Does that make sense? The writing didn’t have much of my personality in it. A couple of drafts later, I recognized I needed to stop and wait for the medication to kick in. To wait and see if my personality can be salvaged.

I’m still waiting.

I’m still trying to catch up on blog reading.

I’m still trying.

That’s what counts.

(I hate when that stinkin’ doctor knows better than I do)

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Life In The Rural Areas

We didn’t exactly work the entire time we were visiting rural America. We had some excitement as well.

The first, a cow running amok. I love reading this little town’s police blotter because there are weekly postings about an animal outside of its confines.

The neighbors up around the corner from us just bought a couple of cows. It’s something the neighbor does each year. He buys a couple of poor looking cows, nurses them back to health and sells them….keeps him young.

Anyway, he is having some health issues and was instructed to do nothing for a couple of days. When my husband saw a black cow meandering down the road, he was concerned. Knowing that the neighbor just bought a couple of black cows, my husband called the neighbors to see if they had a cow missing. The petite 80-year-old wife had to go check and told my husband if it was one of theirs, then he would have to help her round up the cow.

I could imagine the scene of a suburbanite-for-life, and an 80-year-old, tiny woman rounding up a wayward cow.

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I suppose we are going to have to learn how to rope a cow….apparently, it seems the best way to catch one.😀

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DIY Projects With Your Spouse – The Outdoors

It’s been awhile since my husband and I worked as a team to accomplish a goal. Actually, pre-reduction-of-medication, I had a lackluster attitude toward doing anything. It’s not like I have more energy, I just stick to a plan.

This past week, we worked on that little house in Nowhere, Missouri. We decided to focus on any repairs that were required to keep the house standing until we figure out if we will retire there or sell it. I have to say, even though we are far away from retirement age, we will probably keep the house because my husband loves it there.

We worked on the outside.

We worked hard.

To the point that my hamstrings were so sore for days that I could barely walk and bending over was painful. Also, my knitting hand has been out of commission due to the overuse.

Anyway, we fixed anything on the outside to avoid any wood rot, keep critters out of the out buildings, sprayed for creepy bugs, made sure the blue painter’s tape (hillbilly patching) is still covering the holes in the vinyl siding, stained the deck, removed the rotting railing from the front porch, and painted the oddest front porch I’ve ever seen. (My father-in-law used plywood as decking material–I’ve never seen that). The gutters were cleaned and the house and out buildings were washed so that it looks as if someone is there taking care of the house.

Okay, now for the April-style-writing.

What the hell were we thinking? Better yet, what the hell was I thinking? When I take on a cosmetic job, I follow what my dad taught me. There is a right way of doing things in order to make a job last, and I follow his teachings almost-perfectly. He would be proud. I scraped peeling paint off crappy plywood, primed the plywood, and finished with a porch paint we are hoping will hold up to the weather until we can replace the porch with the style we like. The only step I skipped due to time constraints, was to sand before painting.

…..and my husband helped! Of course, I usually work in silence. No radio. No talking. That’s just how I roll. There were no “you can’t do thats” from me—well, there was one, and I’m looking forward to the day we can re-stain the deck. (Difference of opinion of which painting tool used to paint a deck). The biggest problem, is making a trip to The Home Depot is a two hour round trip. There are little hardware stores in town, but they seriously lack different options and stock.

We discovered that finding a contractor to help with the things we feel are a little out of our realm is rather comical. We have some porch roof supports that need replacing. One guy we called,  came by with the best carpenter’s crack, a couple of teeth, with an explanation that he works alone until he needs a crew–“which are alcoholics–they aren’t criminals or thieves, just alcoholics”. Ding-Ding-Ding!

We don’t have internet or television in our little home in the farmland, so when we are so beat that we can’t do any more for the day we are stuck with each other. Which means I have to talk. Not that I don’t like talking, but I have had some serious mind thought rearrangement going on and I don’t think out loud anymore. Anyway, one night, my husband and I stayed up past midnight, and talked. This is how I discovered his total love of the tiny, rural town. If we can make it work, some day we will live there, and I will be happy as long as I have my husband, my cats—and lots of yarn.

Next on the list is to continue with the tape and mudding of the sheetrock on the inside. I should be good with this skill by the time I’m through practicing.

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He mentioned that again?

I visited with my pill pusher the other day. He either didn’t write down the discussion to get rid of the Abilify, or he is getting a bit forgetful. He can remember where I originally hail from but he can’t remember our discussion regarding tapering off a medication? Still….I think I need to find a new pill pusher but right now, I’m doing fine and don’t want to mess with anything just yet.

He mentioned to me another drug that is in the same family as Abilify when I stopped him and told him no, I didn’t want to take a pill that raises my A1C or Glucose. I told him the Abilify did that. Kind of under his breath (or it could just be my imagination), he said, “or it could be weight”. Gah! I hate being reminded of the fact that I need to shed a bunch of excess weight.

Anyway, after removing the Abilify from my daily handful of pills and vitamins, I was feeling pretty good. I actually felt like a real me. (Sorry if that doesn’t make sense). Unfortunately, it was followed by silence. I’m not calling it depression because I don’t really think I was depressed. I just didn’t feel like talking to anybody. Which included adding my two cents to the blog world.

So…was I having a hypomanic episode followed by a mild depression? Who knows.

One smart thing my pill pusher told me which I found to be very helpful was, “the mania or the depression is temporary–remember that”.  It’s not like it was the first time I heard those words, but this time I listened too. To me, that was great advice. He also talked of other things and I realize that I will live this way as long as I live–and that’s okay with me.

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Learning to be me

Trying to fight against a negative self is new to me.

“It’s all in how I think about it”

I have been repeating that in my mind for months but I think it’s also the way I act, as well. Do I bring myself down? What is my motivation?

Does the fact that I simply don’t feel like talking or doing anything mean I’m slipping back to depression? No….I feel good, just reflecting, and it seems to be taking a long time to move through my thoughts and just be who I am.

However, who is that me I’m looking for?

*just a bit of rambling to record my thoughts. Patience.

 

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Feelin’ Good

So, now that I know what to expect while withdrawing from a particular medication, I haven’t had too many problems. When I start to feel my mind wander off to — oh em gee, here I go again. I’m no good….blah, blah. I stop myself and say this is normal and I am tough and determined.

It helps to have had a couple of summer-like days but the pollen count is starting to rise and breathing becomes a bit harder for me this time of year, so not too much time is being spent outdoors for very long.

Anyway, I’m about to take a trip to see my mom, sister, and her family and I don’t know how much I will be on the computer.

Right after that, we are going to our little house in rural Missouri to work on it some more so that it’s liveable. Tearing down all the smoke filled wallpaper and such was fun but now the hard part has started. Since we don’t live there, nor do we have a wad of cash to hire someone to fix it, we work little bits at a time.

Just wanted to let y’all know I haven’t disappeared for a bad reason, I’m just being a hillbilly jetsetter. And, yes, this time I have to get some things done before I leave and one of them isn’t spending time on the computer, unfortunately.

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