Wash and Dry

I have to pull a Whoa, Nellie! That’s the problem with Bipolar….mania. In my case I have what is called hypomania which only means that my manic phases aren’t as grandiose as that of someone with Bipolar I. Bipolar II means depression is a little more problematic. I am hoping that I simply feel good and that I’m not succumbing to the mania.

Slow and steady.

Anyway, I feel like I want to zip around and catch up on all the crap I’ve neglected but there is so much! I woke up at 4:30 yesterday morning and I’m feeling too much of an urge to compulsively write.

Some of you may remember the cartoon, The Jetsons. I don’t know, it may have been remade so that another generation could enjoy it. I was never much of a cartoon watcher but The Jetsons, I liked.

They had a robot, Rosie, who waited on them and they had all kinds of space age stuff. They could push a button and be served food through a cabinet door (I believe), and Rosie cleaned up after them. They teleported through space in saucers and tubes but really didn’t do much of anything for themselves.

I wish I had a pod that I could step into each morning that would clean, dry, clothe, apply makeup, and fix my hair for the day. I suppose brushing my teeth should be added to the list as well.

I’ve discovered that getting ready to go somewhere is one of the many reasons why I dread grocery shopping.

Anyway, I got dressed and all that crap and went to the grocery store yesterday. I panicked as I entered the parking lot because it was full of cars. Luckily the cars mostly belonged to inventory takers, but they tended to be more on the side of aisle hogs than any shopper.

Ha! That reminds me of a t-shirt I must get. The front says, Sometimes I get road rage while walking behind people in the grocery store. I did learn something though, I can call my beer belly a sugar belly, who knew?

So…………I’m going to take a deep breath, inhale as much positive ju-ju that I can, work on my mindfulness, and prepare myself in order to fight against a depressive episode. Maybe the time between will be longer and maybe the medication I am on at the present moment might be the right tweak.

For now.

 

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Posted in Uncategorized | 8 Comments

Turn That Frown Upside Down

Is my title that stupid saying? Believe me….oh wait, I swore I would never say those two words together….ever. I will tell you for a fact that when I don’t feel like smiling I don’t want to turn my frown upside down. Doesn’t make any sense. Sure, I smile, I laugh, I can even be nice when I’m depressed but otherwise I’d rather frown.

Instead of griping about flying to Seattle twice this summer, extreme flat-out-on-my-back pains, holding myself together while trying to find an appropriate dress and shoes to wear to our daughter’s wedding, and performing a great act of I’m fine because I drink wine…which is actually beer because I’m kind of attached to the IPAs. I’ve spent a lot of time alone because my husband’s job centers around hurricane season when it’s hurricane season. I didn’t see him much for weeks and I had to live with myself. Oh! The Wee One and his girlfriend drove across the states with their two dogs and decided to stay. Now I have three kids in three different time zones.

I don’t like changes like that.

I have decided to reflect on my anxieties and depression and embrace all that is me, again.

Long story, brief explanation….long ago our daughter tried out for the dance team before 7th grade. Did the splits. Couldn’t get back up. Tore the labrum–cartilage. Have known for years surgery was needed. Physical therapy, no relief. Decided to have surgery before she is removed from our insurance. This is her 26th year. Because I’m a mom and her husband had to be out of town for school, I got to help her.

Flying!

To Bozeman, Montana!

Where it snows in November!

There are few direct flights to Bozeman from Atlanta so I have a choice to layover in Salt Lake City, Minneapolis, or sometimes Seattle. I choose Salt Lake City because the layovers are shorter. I was proud of how well I was travelling without a babysitter until the the pilot announced we would be getting into Salt Lake City late. I only had a 56 minute layover, and we were going to land roughly 10 minutes before my next flight took off.

Panic.

Double panic.

Hyperventilating panic.

The gate to the next flight just so happened to be on the opposite side of the airport and down an escalator.

You know those people running at the airport? I never wanted to be one of those. I never walk on those moving walkways because most people just stand in the way and I can walk faster on the regular floor, especially when I’m desperate to reach somewhere. That day I made some very long strides on the moving walkways, even stepped down an escalator and never fell once.

I made it on the plane with little time to spare. Whew! That was after I walked past the gate and found the next gate closed…..didn’t even see the path I was supposed to walk down until some hunter-men pointed the way for me. I suppose hunting is good for some things….like finding stuff standing right in front of them.

My daughter did great. The surgery seemed to last forever. I had to watch her in pain which gave me heart pain. I doubted my nurturing. I doubted if I had ever been a good nurturer.

I eventually discovered a cloud had lifted from me.

I was feeling better in the head!

I had to extend my stay for about 4 days and by the time I got home I was happy to get away from the snow, see my own cats, and my husband. So I celebrated. With beer. Too many beers.

I wasn’t feeling better in my head anymore.

Now it’s weeks later, we survived Thanksgiving without alcohol, and I feel better in the head again.

One plus one equals two, right?

Hopefully my upside down frown will be turned around more often and I will mean it when I do smile…….all the way up to my eyes.

Posted in Anxeity and Depression, Depression | Tagged , | 11 Comments

In Denial……Again

One of the most disappointing parts of myself are when I say I’m committing to something and don’t follow through.

I wrote about my dirty little secret.

(Oh….WP has changed some since I was last on here)

I think when I start to feel a little better I become a peacock. In all my peacockedness I don’t really pay attention. I decided to avoid alcohol just like I should and I let my pill pusher pile on more and more medications.

I was not feeling like the medications were giving me any relief. I was getting worse. Of course, with most antidepressants they come with a warning that certain medications may increase the risk of depression. One of the pills I was taking was keeping me in a constant state of depression. I switched between mild to extreme depression.

So…..I returned to drinking to feel better for a few hours.

Anyway, blah, blah, blah…..I recently recognized what drinking was doing to my mind. To most that would be a no-brainer, but with the sick mind the only thought was relief.

Decreasing medications is something I have been slowly achieving with help from my pill pusher. I finally convinced him that instead of adding to my cocktail, maybe I can pinpoint what is dragging me down. It has been a very slow process but one by one……

Reducing slowly and not making any changes during big events such as our daughter’s wedding, Christmas, and more I will write about, has shown me I was right. There is something that was dragging me down.

By accident I learned what drinking alcohol was doing to me.

Sometimes I think I’m such a smarty pants that I ignore what is right in front of me.

The Queen of Denial.

 

 

 

Posted in Depression | Tagged , , | 18 Comments

Sapling

A little sapling

Stretching, Reaching for the sun

Growth

It grows cold

Dark

Freezing

A little sapling breaks

 

Welp, that’s all I had on my mind. I have been blogging….sort of. I haven’t published anything. I have been focusing all my energy on pinpointing what keeps dragging me down, down, down.

I have to return to the last posts published to begin with all that has been on my mind. We have had lots of activity which required facing my fear of flying. I have to say, I can do it…even on my own, without pharmaceuticals. Anxiety is something I’ve had a little more success in conquering.

Depression?

Crap!

 

Posted in Depression | Tagged | 20 Comments

What Can I Do?

With all the weather disasters and the latest shooting in Las Vegas, I have been thinking about death.

A lot.

Actually, before all the recent events I was thinking about death. Not suicide, just death.

George Washington was here once. He’s gone. Bam.

King Louis XIV was here once. He’s also gone. Bam.

My dad, sister, and brother were here once. They’re gone.

Bam.

Nothing.

Poof.

George and Louis left some memorable moments that have been recorded by historians. Big stuffs.

My dad, sister, and brother left some memorable moments for me and our family. (or is it my family and me?)

Obviously, I won’t be a number 1 bestselling author because I like to break grammatical rules as well as punctuation rules. Syntax? Meh. Oh, and I make up words.

I know that I matter to my family and friends. I know that I have an impact.

But I want more!

I want to rebuild houses in Texas, Louisiana, Florida, Puerto Rico, the Virgin Islands. I want to hug that one person who is ready to give up, to encourage them that they are braver than they think. I want to rescue all animals roaming without a home. I want to plant what was burned in the fires in the western US. I would like to help pick up the pieces in Mexico after the earthquakes.

I don’t want to be famous, I simply want to help where I can. I have researched various volunteer opportunities, including The Red Cross, but my mind doesn’t feel strong. In fact, I’m overwhelmed. I’m cracked and one more little push, I’ll break.

However, I have been rebuilding myself. I also know that maybe…..just maybe….there is one person who will read my words and know that they matter.

It’s what I can do, share my story of recovery, relapsing, recovery and staying that way. My imperfect, persistent way to live and enjoy what I can while I’m here.

I have neglected the blog world and I have struggled. Maybe I’ve been struggling because of my neglect. I must keep moving forward and perhaps this is the way I can help.

I’m alive!

Boom!

 

Posted in Depression | Tagged , , | 23 Comments

Trying Too Hard

Finding, or noticing, triggers for depression is very hard for me. Or maybe I simply ignore the triggers and keep on pushing until I break, only to find out that I broke over nonsense.

I’m not one for change. It’s rather odd because I used to have to change all the time. I now recognize that I was running from problems. Once I became overwhelmed, I ran. New job, new apartment, new friends, impulsive actions.

Having kids grounded me. Every day I fought to set a good example. Teach them to be respectful and kind to others. Know their own minds and to follow their hearts. All while trying to hide my inner self.

I may be repeating, and I apologize, but over the last 6-8 months I have been experiencing change after change. Changes which created chaos in my mind. A marriage! So exciting and turned out perfect, but change…..

Our youngest son had moved out recently with his two dogs. I had the empty nest syndrome again but they weren’t far. He and his girlfriend planned a road trip to include a stop for the wedding. They decided to stay in the Seattle/Tacoma area. Oh my. I didn’t know how much I would miss them. With technology, it’s easier to keep up with them but it’s just not the same as being mobbed by two happy dogs.

They, like our daughter, followed their hearts. I’m so proud they had the courage to fly on their own. Our oldest is in the city. With traffic congestion, it takes him a long time to simply stop by after work. We see him when we can. We are also prepared that some day a job offer may take him to another place. He is also following his heart.

Things are quiet around me.

The noise in my mind has been extremely annoying, but it’s getting better.

People have always told me that I’m a leader, not a follower. I hated being a leader because I saw myself as such a flawed person.  I’m learning to be flawsome…..an awesome person with flaws.

I don’t have to try so hard to find a trigger as I’m sure I create more in my mind than is necessary. I destroy myself then berate myself for doing so.

I’m learning more and more about mindfulness and it isn’t what I believed it to be. I’m opening my mind to positive movement forward and it feels good. Perhaps I will get my sense of humor back.

 

Posted in Depression | Tagged , , , | 15 Comments

Here

I used to be there

I used to be here

Here and there

Did I choose the wrong fork in the road?

No, I turned around

Did I run?

Walk?

Crawl?

Think?

Wander aimlessly?

Here I am

How did I get here?

Do I want to stay….

here?

Posted in Random Thoughts | Tagged | 6 Comments

Sunday With April

Some of what I found beautiful this week….

  • I love when people tell me they believe I’m much younger than the number of my years
  • Some perfect weather with fan-in-the-window sleeping instead of a/c
  • Good mammogram screening
  • My husband finally got some time off work after nonstop work for weeks….he went hunting :/
  • Snot-nosed-old-lady-cat is feeling good! She has a very healthy appetite and is playing
  • Peppermint flavored coffee is back on the store shelves!!!!

May you find something to make you smile.

 

Posted in Grattitude, Uncategorized | Tagged | 10 Comments

Another Attempt At Mindfulness

Again, I have started reading, The Mindful Way Through Depression. I have actually read the first chapter….twice! Well, four times if the other readings are taken into account.

Anyway, the author points out how some of us living with depression think something has to be wrong and we should be able to fix ourselves. I’m a fixer so this made total sense to me. Boy, let me tell you, the more I’m unable to fix myself the more disappointed I’ve become. Depression can’t be fixed. It can be managed. Recognize it for what it is, know that it is temporary, and move through it.

Ha!

If only it were so easy.

However, reading that I don’t have to fix myself was quite eye opening. Before moving on to chapter two, I’ve been letting thoughts flow in and out of my mind. Not the negative how can I be so stupids….did I really say thats….did I do enoughs….is everybody happys….

Just letting thoughts flow in and out.

Without working too hard, a thought traversing through my mind was one of those….oh, so that’s why I react that way. 

Can I fix it?

Can a belief about oneself, which has only grown throughout life, be changed?

I believe so.

I hope chapter two has so much more thought provoking content.

 

 

Posted in Depression | Tagged , | 18 Comments

Beauty in Ordinary Things

My husband and I were watching something…..well, he was watching, I was staring off into space, listening. I can’t remember what we were watching but the phrase, “I find beauty in the ordinary things”, made me pay attention.

I asked my husband if he saw beauty in ordinary things. He hesitated because I don’t know if he knew how to answer. Maybe he thought it was one of those trick question such as…do these pants make my butt look big? I can’t even remember if he answered due to a poor attention span on my part.

What is beautiful about a rock? Cat food? Dirty cat litter?

We are connected to the beauty in everything that surrounds us. A rock is beautiful because of its unique shape, texture, color. Cat food fills the bellies of my cats. Cat litter…..um….it’s a good indicator of whether my cats are healthy or not?

Everything has a purpose and it’s beautiful.

It’s the ordinary beauty that is important when our hearts or minds are in pain. The hole in the clouds showing that the sun still shines behind them.

Simple.

Ordinary.

Beautiful,

 

Posted in Grattitude | Tagged | 11 Comments