Sunday With April

It was a wild and wacky week. I screwed up my pill schedule, missing a couple of nights and one morning handful.

Last Sunday, the Seattle Seahawks lost their game which had me a little bummed. My daughter called after the game, which made the loss more bearable.

BECAUSE….

The best thing that has made me dance around the kitchen table, go to bed with huge smiles on my face and walk around in a happy daze…..

  • Our daughter is getting married!!!!!

That one stands alone.

I hope you find something to make you smile!

Posted in Sunday's Smiles | Tagged | 6 Comments

Sunday With April

I’m truly digging deep today. I have basically become existent this last week. I don’t feel like doing anything and I’m pretty sure my husband is growing weary of me. We’re almost back to square one with me instructing him about what I am striving to control and what just seems to happen to me.

Mostly, I expect too much of myself. Logically, I know that high expectations set me up for a fall. However, even though I try to go with the flow, there are times I interrupt that flow and it’s a downhill ride for me. I just need the time and space to be silent and work through what’s going on inside my mind, without the perceived notion that I’m letting someone down.

So, today…..I’m including what I have to be thankful along with what made me smile:

  • The roof over our heads, the food we have to eat, the ability to heat our home when it’s cold outside and to cool us when it’s hot.
  • That I have the tools and ability to move through the setbacks of my moods.
  • That I have a comfortable bed for pouting.
  • I still have the ability to put on the mask and make it through the day.
  • I remain cancer free.

The following made me smile:

  • Conversation with our oldest son. It’s so interesting to hear about his independent life and to recognize how successful he is.
  • Google chat with our daughter
  • Pumpkin pie
  • Our oldest son lamenting that he is approaching 30….which means I’m approaching 60…so don’t tell anyone, okay? We still have some years ahead of us before those milestones.
  • My 19-pound cat playing in an empty box, moving the box around the floor while making a lot of noise. (I’m not too sure what he’s chasing in that box…his tail?)
  • Oh! Another incident with our bed. I kinda fell out of it. A little bit dizzy in the head, I was trying to quietly toddle to the bathroom but broke the silence when I fell on the nightstand, causing bruises on my arm, and I swear the hypochondriac in me believes that the huge bruise on my side is an indication of a broken rib. Don’t ask me how that happened…..it’s a secret special talent that I have.
  • Every day is a new day for new possibilities…even if I don’t think so.

I hope to catch up on reading, online shopping, and general building of holiday cheer. I simply need to go a little slower.

I hope you find something to make you smile today!

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , | 8 Comments

Make This Moment Become Your Future

I can’t recall the exact words of Anthony Robbins….but they pertain to why we do things certain ways…we gain either pain or pleasure from our actions. Whatever the stronger emotion is, it will control our lives.

I remember asking myself why would one want to continue living in pain. Pain isn’t a choice…..or is it? Can our actions which create pleasure really conquer our actions which cause us pain?

I wanted to seek pleasure instead of keeping myself in pain.

I gave in to the medications prescribed, which were a personal lifesaver. My therapist helped me to control those obsessive thoughts, and I had room in my mind to deal with other things…..such as living. I’m not referring to the various thoughts which cause anxiety. The thoughts I’m referring to are about what I have no control over. I must focus on what is happening at this exact moment.

The recent election has caused me to face obsessive thoughts again. I think the most prevalent thoughts begin with “what-if”…..and they have almost been my undoing.

This Thanksgiving, I have a lot to be thankful for. Of course, my family, shelter, food, and friendship are all at the top of my list. However, this last year I learned how to live. Many times I have been standing with my toes over the proverbial edge but I learned how to step back. I am stepping back from this election and waiting to see what will happen, then I’ll act.

We don’t know what will happen until it happens. We can’t control a what-if, we can only do something about right now. Right now, I choose pleasure and peace of mind. Right now I can move toward a what if with knowledge learned in this moment.

Pain does not equal pleasure – Anthony Robbins

I hope you live this moment with pleasure.

Posted in Anxeity and Depression | Tagged , , | 13 Comments

Sunday With April

The following made me smile this week:

  • My husband came home from another hunting trip
  • The Seattle Seahawks beat the New England Patriots
  • Our youngest son watched said game with me
  • Squirrel discussions
  • Sensible Girlfriend cooked dinner for us again
  • A slightly new morning routine – baby steps toward my end goal
  • I discovered one of our sons is a complete rule follower, just like me
  • The Pentatonix version of the song Hallelujah–here’s a link if you want to take a listen, it’s one of my favorite versions.
  • Kitty snuggles on a cold morning
  • cold mornings

I hope you find something to make you smile!

Posted in Uncategorized | 7 Comments

Little Accomplishments = Huge Rewards

Just in case any of you were left in suspense….I made it to the store….at/around 2pm. This is pretty much a big deal for me because my shopping is done in the morning. After I hit a certain time of the day, I know I won’t be leaving the house………..again. All of this created in my mind to avoid anxiety.

I picked up the non-perishable items I will need for Thanksgiving. I’ll head out on Monday morning to do the rest of my shopping.

Aren’t you glad you have all this information?🙂

As I pulled into the rather full parking lot, I found a spot and sat in my car for a bit to gather myself. On the way into the store I told myself I would just pick up my prescriptions, get some cat food, and return home. A complete conversation played in my mind until I finally settled on ….. “just do it, buy all the things on the list”. Big baby was thrown around in my mind as well as, April, Rebel Warrior. (She hasn’t been around for a while)

I usually park the furthest from the store. Not because I don’t want other car doors dinging my doors, I do it because backing up a Mini Cooper is difficult when parked next to minivans or other large boats cars. Another anxiety trigger.

Wouldn’t you know it? A big Hummer parked next to me. It must have been car intimidation because they could have parked in one of the many other spots. I backed out without running over anyone or having a car plow into me because they couldn’t see me.

Whew!

I had one little incident in the canned fruit aisle regarding pineapple chunks vs pineapple tidbits. I needed the tidbits and couldn’t find them. I decided I would just cut up the chunks to make tidbits. When I got home I discovered I bought one can of chunks and one can of slices…..curses! Meh, even though it felt so at the time, it’s not the end of my world. Now that I look back, I find this incident rather comical. If I can’t laugh at myself, I will never make it to the other side of darkness and worry. Go ahead, you can laugh too.😀

…..baby steps.

 

Posted in Anxeity and Depression | Tagged | 16 Comments

Not Disappointed

I could say I made it to the store and back without incident and the only person who would know I lied would be my husband….if he is still reading my blog. However, I didn’t make it to the store.

I made the initial steps to get to the there. I dressed better than I normally do, I put on makeup and curled my hair. I even had my socks and shoes on. I was ready to go. Some of the baby steps toward my goal.

So what went wrong?

I had a little fiasco about an item I had to be home to sign for….that didn’t show up, and another fiasco with our credit card company. I could bore you with the details but I will just get worked up again.

After dealing with these issues and working myself into a tizzy, I wasn’t about to go to the store at 4pm.

I’m constantly amazed or confused by how my brain processes information, however, yesterday I had myself at the peak of frustration and anger.

On another note….

It dawned on me that my latest burst of energy and the feeling of depression lifting was due to the increase of one of my medications. I also remembered Dr. Quacky Pants telling me he wasn’t too sure of this new approach because it may make me a little high strung.

Well, I’m a little more than high strung.

A call to Dr. Quacky Pants only made me scratch my head. His recommendation was to take the extra dose on the days I start to feel down. This medication takes weeks to have any impact on mood. What would taking an extra dose for one day accomplish?

Now I have a conundrum….the increase of medication helped my depression tremendously, but the increase has left me with side effects which are a little hard to control when compiled with an anxiety disorder.

What’s worse? Anxiety, with the physical feelings that accompany it? Or depression?

Is high strung April better than depressed April? Which April can I live with? Which April can my family live with?

All I know is that I will try to go to the store again today.

 

 

 

Posted in Uncategorized | 37 Comments

Taking it to the limit

I’m about to do something that stretches the limits I have placed upon myself due to fear…or anxiety. My therapist calls it exposure therapy. I have been going through most of the small steps to go beyond the limits of my anxiety and I have been 100% successful so far.

As most who have been following my ramblings, you know I really hate going to the grocery store. I have no reason…just hate it for some reason and it causes anxiety.

I’m going to go to the grocery store in the afternoon! I usually shop strictly in the morning when there are less people in the store.

It may sound a little odd to y’all but it’s a big step for me to shop in the afternoon. The last time I went grocery shopping I made myself peruse the store a little. I took a detour from my mission to get in-get out, and walked a bit slower. I made more eye contact and forced a smile. All the baby steps I have taken to get to that point, with lots and lots of deep breaths and focus, I was successful. It was difficult because I have been a little bit on the depressed side lately.

Will I make it this time? You bet I will….because I want to.

Is it that easy?

We shall see….if I go with the expectation that I will survive, as I have the thousands of times prior to today, I should be okay. If I go with the expectation that I will have a panic attack….will I?

Okay, that’s a good enough pep talk for today…

 

 

Posted in Anxeity and Depression, Uncategorized | Tagged | 27 Comments

Rollercoaster, ooh ooh ooh ooh

Feeling quite a bit better. New medication tweak must be starting to work.

I did get out with our youngest son and his girlfriend to take photos of the super moon. I didn’t have much success with the photos, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. We went to a new housing development area that was on the top of a hill because there are too many trees that block the horizon.

We walked through the freshly tilled Georgia clay—except it wasn’t clay because we have been having a drought. It was all soft, powdery, and orange. Even though the dirt turned my black sandals brown, and I had to scrub my feet and half way up my legs, it was worth it. Now I have to see if I can remove the orange stains from my capri pants. We got kicked off the hill by the management company representing the new community.

The plus side to having the drought is the most stunning sunny days. The only problem is that we have wildfires in the northern part of our state. The winds have blown the smoke toward our area and have created havoc with my asthma….as well as one of my cats. Yes, cats get asthma and it’s really fun to give them treatments (sarcasm). Therefore, all the enjoyment I have been eeking out by having the windows open, I’ve had to close.

The only upside to depression is when it lifts. However, it’s scary to realize that months happened and now it’s the week before Thanksgiving. I know it isn’t rare for people to react to the rapid approach of a holiday, but I feel as if I weren’t living….just existing. The mechanical movements to eat and sit on the couch. Time ticking away.

Do you see what I have to deal with? Ups and downs. The ups aren’t hypomanic anymore due to one of the medications I’m on, but I do have periods of “normalcy”. Then anxiety or other triggers bring me to depression. The hopeless world inside my mind. The world of darkness. Ticktock. Ticktock. The days I have to dig so deeply to find something that makes life worth living is the only thing that keeps me getting out of bed each morning. I’m thankful that the medications I’m on, prevent me from sliding so far down into the pit that I know when to reach out for help.

The clouds parted and the fog is lifting…I’m almost here again. Hopefully I stick around until after Christmas.

Ohemgee! It’s Thanksgiving next week!

 

Posted in Anxeity and Depression, Uncategorized | Tagged , | 13 Comments

A New Therapy?

Dr. Quacky-Pants-Pill-Pusher had to adjust my meds…..again. I interrogated questioned him about the specifics of all the pills I’m on.

He gave me an odd look when I said I wanted to understand depression. I think I understand anxiety—well most of it, but I can’t understand why I can’t be like my husband. Is it really a simple case of a screwed up chemical imbalance in my brain?

I know I’ve always been this way because I would manage depression by being an ass, and performing spontaneous actions…like on the spot major life decisions. I sabotaged just about every relationship–friends/family, drank too many adult beverages, didn’t sleep much, shut people out, chose the wrong type of people to hang out with…..

The last visit, he gave me some options for other therapies. One was Ketamine, the other was transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS). Both bizarre to me. With the Ketamine, I don’t want to take any chance that I could hallucinate. Maybe it works for some, but it’s not for me. The transcranial magnetic stimulation is a metal coil placed near the head and an electric current is zapped into parts of the brain. He said that he had a 50-50 chance of success with this treatment.

Um…..no. That would create anxiety times infinity.

A 50-50 chance of success? Since every individual will react differently to various therapies, who knows how I would react?

I just can’t completely shake depression. It’s there and then it’s really there. I just have to get to an even level to concentrate on mindful self-care. You know, like a healthy diet and exercise? I just need the motivation to do those things. When getting out of bed and taking a shower is an effort, exercising is not on the top of my daily to-do list.

Now I have a new anxiety. What are these medications doing to my innards? My liver? My kidneys? How long can I take them without some form of damage? Do the experts know?

I’m finding my anxiety a little humorous this time. If I am anxious about my physical health, then why am I not sticking to a healthy diet and exercise?

Oh, such confusion going on in the logical part of my brain.

Posted in Anxeity and Depression, Depression | Tagged , , , | 29 Comments

Sunday With April

Although it was a wild and wooly week, I did make myself stop from looking inside my pain to notice what is beautiful around me.

This is some of what made me smile:

  • The laughter coming from a party down the street
  • The bubbles the dish soap makes while washing dishes
  • I did vote. We found a parking spot, we didn’t have to wait long, and I pushed all the buttons I wanted to push
  • The feel of the floor on my bare feet after a good, hard scrubbing *edit…the floors getting the hard scrub, I think I could have worded that better*
  • Ibuprofen
  • When a gentle breeze releases the dying leaves from their stronghold and gently float to the earth…..a gentle leaf shower
  • Waking up at 6:30 am and not hearing a sound. No cars, no dogs barking, just silence
  • The little growly sound my grand puppy makes when she plays
  • The neighbor’s lawn maintenance man blowing the leaves from our front yard–which is funny because by the end of the day it won’t look like he did a thing
  • Fellow bloggers

I hope you find something to make you smile this week.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged | 10 Comments